June 27, 2009

in Portly Stories

A few months ago I was flying back from Heathrow to Minneapolis/Saint Paul. My seat was in the last row of an Airbus A310. My experience in the U.K was great. I suppose all good things come to an end.

Barfzilla appeared and took the last seat – the middle seat in the row. My first thought as I looked up and saw her was ‘Holy Sh*t, she’s huge!!’ No kidding folks, she was about 5’6” and must have weighed between 400-450 pounds. She was sweating profusely and reeked of booze. All the indications for a nightmare flight were in place.

She squeezed into the middle seat, a good bit of her over flowing onto me and the chap sitting on the aisle seat. She lifted the arm rests up and they disappeared behind her arms. A flight attendant came by and gave her a seat belt extender. With a look of compassion, the attendant shook her head as the HUGE woman attempted to buckle her seat belt. After what seemed to an eternity, she finally managed to lock the clasp. The belt with extender was digging into her gut mass – I estimate at least 10-12 inches.

Crammed against the window, I began to nod off as the plane taxied to the runway. A short time later after take-off I was awakened by the massive woman’s left arm flailing about, her arm blubber hit me on the head. That was it, I was getting pissed off. She was yelling and bellowing, trying to get out of her seat. Without warning, she began to barf. The first stream hit the passengers in the row in front of me – all kinds of yelling and cursing began from the barfed on passengers. She continued to barf – all over herself, splashing barf on the poor chap in the aisle seat.

Enough was enough; I stood up in my seat and vaulted to the aisle. By then the cabin steward was in the back trying to find out what all the commotion was. Barfzilla continued to puke, in the aisle, on my seat, on the now empty seats in front of her. I once saw a Monty Python movie that had a huge guy at a restaurant projectile vomiting. This was uncannily similar.

The flight attendants tried to get the woman up and into the bathroom. She would not fit into the rear bath room so they covered her with a blanket and led her up front. The stench was unbelievable!

I spent most of my time on the flight in a flight attendants jump seat. Even they were shocked by the amount of barf she spewed. She wasn’t sick, she was drunk.

It’s a good thing they hustled her off the plane when we landed, there were 4 people who had been puked on, they were in a nasty and quite possibly violent mood.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Roto13 June 5, 2009 at 8:52 pm

I would almost feel bad for her if she wasn't drunk. Drunk people aren't supposed to be allowed on the plane in the first place.


Kyle April 1, 2011 at 10:43 am

I’m dying laughing!!! LOL LOL LOL


Demotage June 5, 2009 at 10:53 pm

Ms. Creasote!


Jeanie June 6, 2009 at 7:41 pm

Ohh… that's just gross.


Hugh June 10, 2009 at 2:39 am

I hope some compensation was issued to the people vomited on. Were you given another seat to use for the landing?


the dominator July 23, 2009 at 4:50 pm

i do not feel bad for the morbidly obese. they have no excuse for their condition. they are lazy and eat too much!

i once had to board last on a southwest flight from vegas to indy and got stuck between to fat-assed buddies and it sucked monkey balls!

i fully support the airlines saying NO to the fatties. they should always have to buy an extra seat because they almost always take 2 seats and weigh between 2-3 times that of a normal person.


Anon July 30, 2009 at 1:49 pm

Morbidly obese people are a risk to everyone on a plane (been said over and over again). We're being charged extra when our LUGGAGE is overweight, why aren't they being charged for the "extra baggage" they bring to a flight? If the average weight is being calculated at 200 lbs or so, why are they being allowed to board (with one seat) at more than double the calculated weight?

Yah, I sound insensitive, and I'm an a-hole, and I'm discriminating against morbidly obese people, but I'm sick and tired of being trapped between these people with their sweaty nastiness being rubbed all over me during an already unpleasant situation. I sympathize with those who actually HAVE a medical problem and do all they can to help make the rest of us comfortable, but there are WAY too many morbidly obese, clueless, rude people who really make the rest of us miserable!


Nick November 29, 2013 at 2:36 pm

No, you're not insensitive or an a-hole (at least by your comments!). Been saying for years that airlines should put each passenger on a scale with their luggage and charge by the pound. It's not insensitive: it's physics. Costs more in fuel to get a big person airborne than a small one. And arm-rests stay down unless you pay for the second seat.


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