It all happened in January 2010 at the irritating DFW Airport – irritating as this place was designed back in the day of many carriers. We all hate walking from one end to other just because [INSERT YOUR SMALL TOWN HERE] has few passengers so they stick you on the end.
We queued up to get through security to enter the wing. Ahead of me was this very attractive young lady in those “furry, fancy ski resort type boots.” Wait, sorry – this is irrelevant to my story.
There was this middle-aged lady, nothing out of the ordinary, in front of me with a smallish CAGE; yes, this is the kind with the cover, or shade, or drapes, hiding the sleeping beast. So far, so good. I think I heard something… could not place it. Stay with me.
As we moved closer (long queue), I thought I heard something again… it dawned on me it was clearly coming from the cage. It was at this point I realized she may be running a little late. You see, I NEVER arrive late (anymore) – not worth the stress. In a sick way, I actually enjoy watching folks who are late – nothing tests that new FRESH MOUNTAIN Old Spice roll-on than a nice jog in a shirt and tie.
Back on track – we are #2 and readying for the fun (yes, one of my pet peeves is taking my shoes off and walking on other folks’ sock sweat). The lady, I’ll call her Marge (as she looked like a Marge somehow), is looking anxiously at her cage. No noise this time, but something triggered me to pay attention as I took off the belt I forgot always sets off the machine. The seemingly nice TSA rep asked her to remove her animal. No big deal. Well, this is when the fun begins.
MARGE: “Sorry, sir, but I cannot remove this thing from the cage. It is angry.”
TSA: “Well, you have to, ma’am.”
MARGE: “This thing is not mine and I will not… it does not like me; you see, my son owns this thing and I am just transporting it for him.”
TSA: “What kind of animal is it, ma’am.”
MARGE: “I am not sure, sir.”
TSA: “You have to take it out of the cage; well, er, we could put it through the X-RAY but, well, you know what will happen.”
MARGE: “There is no way I am touching this thing; you do it.”
At this point, a weird noise came from said cage. I finally got a decent glimpse; it was not a squirrel… hmm, not a ferret… clearly not a small dog… what the F**** is it – maybe some wild Canadian creature from the woods?
MARGE: “Look, sir, I am very late for my flight so can you PLEASE just do a visual.”
TSA: “Sorry, but we have to either have you take it out of the cage or we must risk it by putting the cage through the X-RAY.”
Now, let’s pause: I am no expert, but all parties watching this “situation” all agreed with “the gentle brow shift or nod” that this was not a great idea.
Next was what I’ll call THE GREAT PAUSE. Everyone, TSA included, waited for the response. Wait for it…
MARGE: “Please PUT HIM through; it is not mine anyways.”
At this point, Paul (er, me) says under his breath, “AWESOME!” I know, you would not have said this, and I believe you. I love all of God’s creatures, but it was a slow news day.
In she, he, it, went – MUCH to the surprise of the ONLY person who clearly was not listening to all this – the TSA video screen operator. It was priceless to see the belt move BACK AND FORTH as the video screener lady tried to figure out what this thing was; one more dose of radiation, two more doses, let’s go for three? bam, bam, bam
No obvious noises or distresses – more like an eerily silent hush – like my brother Jeff after two Bern’s steak house Calvados snifters. Who knows if this thing is roaming today.
And there she went.
TSA: “Next, please.”
And then it was my turn… shoes and belt back on… flight was good that day!
I know I’ll get posts from JODY or GOOD KING HEROD (or maybe even JB the fuddy-duddy) saying, “Paul, why the heck didn’t YOU pick up the animal from the cage for the lady… are you no gentleman?” There was no way, not this time… I still can’t figure out what it might have been.
- Paul
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