Gear In The Rear

February 15, 2010

in Portly Stories

My GF and I were returning from LA to NYC on a Jet Blue flight out of Burbank.

Prior to boarding, we learned we had been “Randomly selected by the computer” for a bag check. Whatever, nothing like having your dirty undies strewn about for some TSA agent to rifle through, but I digress.

The flight looked fairly full while we were boarding, but I was happy to see the aisle seat was empty in our row (GF and I had middle and window seats). As is the norm, after everyone was seated, they started letting the stand-bys on. I glanced up and noticed a rather large woman with a rear end that resembled two hippos fighting under a blanket, sauntering down the aisle. “Please don’t sit here, please, for the love of god don’t sit here” was all I could think…

Of course, the flight attendant led her directly to the aisle seat of our row. As she wedged herself into the seat, it became apparent that she was not fitting without raising the arm rest. So, they raised the arm rest, and the majority of her ample rear fell onto my leg. I had no choice but to put one of my cheeks on to my GF’s lap. I could see a look of apology on the FA’s face, but she seemed more intent on getting everyone seated so we could take off.

For 5+ hours I sat with one of my cheeks on my GF’s leg so that this woman could occupy not only her seat, but half of the seat I had paid for. Additionally, my GF and I have flown Jet Blue many times, and were aware that there is no real meal service. So in anticipation, on the way to the airport, we stopped at a Trader Joe’s and bought small, easily eaten healthy snacks. We also chose the snacks that would be LEAST offensive to our planemates (no peanuts or smelly things). Apparently, the person next to me not only decided to occupy more seat than she paid for, but also decided to purchase her own “Snack” prior to boarding. It was a gigantic, smelly (onions and some foul sauce) submarine sandwich (at least 12 inches long) that she pulled from her bag about half-flight. She sat and devoured that thing with no concern for our comfort.

I give my GF grief from now on whenever she suggests Jet Blue.

{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

rerere February 16, 2010 at 11:25 am

It isn't jetblue's falt you asshole, it is that fat lard. It could happen on any other airline. Next time, take a boat.


Owen February 16, 2010 at 11:55 am

Man that's messed up but I agree it's not really JetBlue's fault (seriously though, I'd ask for a refund, it's ridiculous and infuriating that lardos are able to infringe on other peoples' space like that; what if you stuck your elbow into lardo's side during the entire flight?)


Huh? February 17, 2010 at 10:40 am

So, this fat lady next to me ate a sandwich. Next.


Hawaiian February 17, 2010 at 1:49 pm

It's not Jet Blue's fault… You should have complained right when the lard ass was seated. The FA's would have assessed the situation and possibly reseated her or required her to purchase a second seat. You would have looked like a jerk (in the eyes of lard ass herself or whoever she was ultimately re-seated next to) but what the heck!


rerere February 17, 2010 at 1:51 pm

Well put Hawaiian


the logger February 19, 2010 at 4:56 am

If thirty percent of the population is obese, then there is a great business opportunity for someone to start an airline that would cater to this demographic.

There could be one seat on each side, and a turkey frier in each galley.

Skinny people would pay a massive surcharge to fly, and would be confined to the overhead bins.

There would be twinkys avilable at all times, and the plane would be equipped with oversize balloon tires for safe landings. To view an image of the aircraft to be used by "Chunky Butt Airlines"

google "NASA Super Guppy".


Chiquita Chick February 19, 2010 at 6:22 am

I think you came up with a brilliant idea logger! Besides an airline catering to fatties, how about one for nudists, or one for tall people where the distance between rows would be greater so there wouldn't be any more reclining seat issues, or one catering to families with children, or one with small cabins containing beds for those who want to join the mile high club in a setting that's nicer than a lavatory.


GMMR February 19, 2010 at 7:07 am

Or how about one thats for tall fat people with families that have enough room to recline your seats so you can join the mile high club.


ps March 7, 2010 at 3:10 pm

Absolutely brilliant. But you can do it on the cheap. Stock pork rinds, corn chips, twinkies and any other provision that doesn't require refrigeration. Saves on the electricity for the deep fryers. Maybe Ryan Air will come up with something. A no frills cattle car. And if the snacks run out, pour catchup on the skinny people.Okay, we should be getting some chubby defenders piling on soon 🙂


the logger February 22, 2010 at 4:35 am

Wait! That idea wouldn’t work, as there would be less fat people per flight than usual, and fat people are some of the cheapest ba$tards around, since they spend most of their money on feeding their habit. To get it to work, they would need to pack the fatties in tightly to make enough money. However, the

that idea wouldn’t work, as there would be less fat people per flight than usual, and fat people are some of the cheapest ba$tards around, since they spend most of their money on feeding their habit. To get it to work, they would need to pack the fatties in tightly to make enough money. However, they could do away with seats completely. So long as they packed the fatties in tight so they were touching, then there would not be any need for seats or safety harnesses, since they would keep each other upright. They would not invade each other’s personal space, since they are so fat, their guts would keep them at least an arms length away from each other. The only downside is if one of them moved quickly (maybe attracted by the smell of a burger that someone had smuggled on to the plane), and starts of a jelly wobble that would propagate through the whole plane and keep going for hours.


Jennifer March 5, 2010 at 7:02 pm

Maybe I'm naive, but wouldn't they need your permission to raise the armrest between your seat and hers? Wouldn't the obvious solution then be to say "no" and force them to seat her elsewhere?


Owen March 7, 2010 at 2:04 pm

you raise an interesting point – who gets to decide when to raise an armrest between passengers? i can't remember this ever coming up with normal girth passengers; usually it's best to leave it down because it preserves a boundary for personal space, but occasionally elbow skirmishes. I think it's clear that someone does NOT have the right to overlap my seat, whether by flab or elbow.


Jennifer March 7, 2010 at 3:17 pm

You know, some enterprising individual could make a fortune on the armrest equivalent of the "knee defender".

I've never had to deal with someone trying to put up an armrest, honestly I didn't even know they could be put up until I stumbled upon this site. But I'd like to see the argument one of these FA's would make for trying to force a passenger to put up their armrest so chubbo could fit.


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