A while back, my wife (then my girlfriend) and I were in Paris on vacation. We had a wonderful time (even managed to get “bumped” to 1st class on the flight over the pond from MSP 10 days earlier). Well, we reported to CDG in plenty of time for our return flight to Detroit (MSP doesn’t really have customs for incoming foreign flights). We checked-in, and all was well. When it came time for the flight (on NWA), however, that’s when all hell broke loose.
The boarding time came and went, and there was no information. After an hour, someone finally came out to tell us that French authorities weren’t releasing our flight because they didn’t think there were enough life vests on board. Huh? Someone actually counted life vests under the seats on a plane that landed there less than 12 hours earlier? Okay. Well, the “counting” on the life vests took over 4 hours. Eventually, we were allowed on the plane, and numerous seats were taped over to indicate that no one could sit there. Luckily, the plane was nearly empty, and I had an entire row of seats to lie across to sleep on during the flight. It got worse, however.
Somewhere over the Atlantic, a Frenchman decided that it would be a good idea to go into the lav and light up a smoke. That, of course, set off the smoke detector. When the FA’s arrived at the door to investigate, he threw his lit cigarette into the trash, which then proceeded to catch on fire. The fire lasted a couple of minutes before it was fully put out, but the lav was trashed, and the entire plane reeked of smoke. Mr. Frenchman was zip-cuffed (the plastic band-looking things) and then tied to a seat. Luckily, we weren’t diverted since everything was still flyable.
Upon landing in Detroit, Mr. Frenchman was literally lifted off the seat and carried away. We were then allowed to deplane, now 5 hours behind schedule. On the jet way, I immediately noticed a Border Patrol agent with a dog (drug-sniffing, obviously). Now, understand that many of the passengers were (a) tired, (b) non-English speaking, and (c) merely curious. A young man (pre-teens) tried to simply pet the dog, and the BP guy starts SCREAMING, “DON’T TOUCH THE DOG… KEEP MOVING… DON’T TOUCH THE DOG… KEEP MOVING!” On and on. You’d have thought he was Rain Man caught in a feedback loop or something.
Anyone flying in to DTW a few years back will recall that the “foreign flight” terminal was physically separated from the domestic terminal, and you have to take a bus (in the rain that day!) over to the other terminal after clearing customs and collecting your luggage. Anyway, once we arrived in the domestic terminal, we went to the NWA counters to rebook our flight to MSP since, obviously, our original flight left long ago.
Upon getting to the front of the line, I (very politely) explained our situation to the chimp (I mean, customer service representative) at the counter. She pumps out a couple of tickets and hands them to me like fecal matter being thrown at the zoo. It just so happened that directly over the counter were the departure monitors. I looked up and saw, clear as a bell, that the very flight she just put us on was labelled as cancelled. I stopped and told her (again, very politely) that she just booked me on a cancelled flight. She started screaming at me that I was being impossible, that she was getting her supervisor, and she turned on her heels and walked away! A minute later, another chimp (I mean, supervisor) showed up and berated me for yelling at her subordinate. I ramped it up and told her that I had done no such thing, that little-miss-can’t-read-a-computer-monitor had deliberately booked us on a cancelled flight (how on earth would the computer even allow that?), and that all I wanted were 2 seats on a flight to MSP. Folded-hands-across-her-chest supervisor stared at me for a few seconds then started pounding the keyboard. She handed me 2 new passes for a later flight, and I left.
Luckily, that later flight got off without a hitch, but we had to wait at DTW (a real dump) for several hours before finally getting back to MSP late that evening.
Tagged as:
delay,
dogs,
lavatory,
northwest airlines,
police,
tobacco
I don’t have any long horror story about my fellow passengers, just about the airline itself. Recently when I checked into my United flight, I found that we had been assigned seats in the very last row. As I am in a wheelchair, I called the airline to request something a little closer to the front. I was charged $108.00. On the way back, same thing. Even though my reservations stated that I was in a wheelchair, United insisted on placing me in the back of the plane, then charging me to sit closer to the front. First and last time we are flying on United.
Tagged as:
disability,
seats,
united airlines
Reno, Nevada. United Airlines. 1989. This airport is in the middle of the city and the flight path is surrounded by hotels. There is a severe windstorm but the pilot decides to land anyway. I have a window seat and am watching in disbelief as the runway veers from left to right as the pilot tries to maintain his approach. Swear to god, before we touch down I see tumbleweeds, hubcaps, garbage can lids, pieces of plastic blowing across the runway. We land but go off into the grass on one side of the runway but he gets it back on the pavement and finally it’s OK. Nobody said a word until after everyone got off the plane.
Two years before that I landed at this airport during a blizzard. The runway was pure white. Actually you could not see the runway until about 50 feet off the ground due to the snowfall. The plane swerved like a car in snow as the pilot tried to brake. We stopped a few feet short of the end of the runway. I swore I would never fly there again in winter; that’s why I went the next time in the summer. But as it turns out that is windstorm season.
Phuket, Thailand. Thai Airways. 2003. We are on a flight to Bangkok and taxiing to the runway. Thick black smoke comes out of the vents everywhere in the plane. It is suffocating, acrid smoke. Toxic smoke. There is no announcement, no action by the flight attendants. People are starting to pass out. I was really afraid we might die. I had the exit row and asked the attendant for permission to open the door. She said, “No we must wait for instructions from the pilot.” Finally, the pilot told them to open the doors and we lived. Then we sat there in the broiling sun waiting for them to wake up the engineer to come and tow us back to the gate.
Germany to South America. Varig Airlines. 2004. I think this is the worst trip experience of my life. The flight attendants literally seemed disinterested in the passengers. They only reluctantly gave a pre-flight speech and then immediately disappeared. Something seemed very strange but they eventually reappeared for meal service. I had ordered a vegetarian meal on the advice of the travel agent. What a mistake. I am not joking, my meal was a wedge of lettuce and cold green beans with some dressing. And a small roll. That was it. That was my entire meal, my only food for Europe to South America. To take my mind off my hunger I tried to watch the movie but my coach seat had headphones with plugs for the first class seats. It would not work. The worst thing was that I had been dying to see the movie Sideways, which by coincidence was playing on the flight. I used my Boy Scout tracking skills to find the flight attendant’s lair behind a curtain where they were busy discussing union matters with each other. I tried to show them the meal and headphones but they literally ignored me. After three polite “Excuse mes” I lost it. I shouted at them, “Can you see me? Can you hear me?” Now I had their attention. I showed them the meal and said, “I am eating what you are eating even if you have to share, and get me a headphone that works in coach.” The senior attendant comes to back up his staff and starts speaking to me in Portuguese. I tell him, “You hear me speaking English? That’s a clue.” He apologizes and asks what is the matter. I tell him to give me something with protein in it and a head set for coach then I will go away. I got some chicken and headphones, then go watch Sideways two times. The attendants never reappeared until immediately before landing.
I have a six hour layover in Sao Paulo, but the connecting flight to La Paz, Bolivia is delayed. As it turns out during the flight the Brazilian government, which was feuding with the US government, began requiring transit visas for US citizens. So I am sitting in the airport lounge waiting and waiting for the connecting flight when the police come up to me and ask for me by my name. They check my passport and then tell me I am under arrest for not having a transit visa. It is like a dream. They take me to the police station and tell me I need a visa to stay for a layover as retaliation for US making Brazilians have their fingerprints taken in order to get a visa. I ask them for food and they actually say to me, “What is wrong, you order vegetarian on Varig?” In surprise, I tell them yes and the story of the head phones and terrorizing the attendants. They have a good laugh and agree to deport me to my connecting flight without a stamp in my passport.
The return trip is not any better. I was searched repeatedly when trying to leave Bolivia. The plane is almost ready to leave when the police come on and take me off the plane and down to the tarmac below. They make me identify my suitcases then they put the entire contents on the pavement for the dogs to sniff. Finally, convinced there is nothing illicit, they make me repack everything in front of all the passengers who are looking down from the windows. I reboard the plane but it won’t start. The pilots cannot start it and we have to wait two hours for a small jet with four mechanics to come from somewhere and fix our plane. Finally the plane takes off. Everyone on the flight belonged to a Protestant Church and was going on a mission in Brazil. They sang Christian songs and the young lady next to me witnessed for Christ and tried to convert me from Buddhism to Christianity the entire flight. I brought plenty of food for the return flight and never was so happy to see the unsmiling faces of Germans. My connecting flight to Bangkok was overbooked so I got upgraded to business on Lufthansa plus 100 dollars. Nice flight and good food, too. I thought my bad luck had ended. Wrong.
On return to the US I started to worry about the rubber gloves again. The immigration guy says to me, “What were you doing in Bolivian and Thailand?” I tell him the truth – I live in Thailand and was visiting friends in Bolivia on holiday. He actually says to me, “What’s the matter, don’t you love America?” It went downhill from there. Many hours of interrogation. Finally they let me go. I have not been back since.
Tagged as:
baggage,
delay,
flight attendant,
food & beverage,
immigration,
lufthansa,
pilot,
police,
thai airways,
varig airlines,
weather
I was recently on a flight to San Diego to see my fiancee who is stationed there. With the airline’s budget the way it is now, our flight was completely booked. I had a seat towards the rear of the plane, and that is where a new cultural experience started.
A Middle Eastern family of 14 were to be seated in my general vicinity. Of the 14, 6 were under the age of 10 (that in itself is no fun). My flight was delayed for almost an hour because numbers must not be universal. The family was not able to determine which seats they were suppose to be in, and the only one in the whole group that spoke English was disabled in a wheelchair and sat up front. Anyway, the patriarch of the family was putting the family into seats which weren’t theirs. The attendants tried to get the tickets from him, and he was a ticket short. They ended up deciding one was supposed to be a lap child, but the youngest child was at least 4yrs old. One of the children was seated next to me in the middle seat. Unfortunately none of the children wanted to stay in their seats, and 2 other passengers at this point were completely without seats since this family had taken their seats over. FINALLY the attendants managed to get everyone a seat, but the passengers refused to keep the child that was suppose to be on their lap there and wanted one of the other children on their lap (crazy people since the other child was much bigger).
After some more arguing and the attendants telling everyone to be seated, my flight finally took off for San Diego. In the end, I made it to San Diego, the children made the 6hr flight only mostly miserable, and we were only 1hr and 30minutes late. On the bright side, I did get to see my fiancee after he had been out to sea for 6months.
Tagged as:
children & babies,
flight attendant,
seats
