The Perfect Passenger

April 22, 2009

in Non-Stories

How should passengers behave and appear in order to be considered perfect? Based on annoyances described in stories received, we’ve come up with a list of airline passenger don’ts in order to avoid offending everybody in the world:

The Perfect Passenger…

Doesn’t talk too much
Doesn’t expel unpleasant gasses
Doesn’t pick or scratch his nose, hair or skin, or clip his nails
Doesn’t exude a foul body odor
Doesn’t use strong colognes or smell like smoke
Doesn’t have bad breath
Doesn’t get up repeatedly to use the restroom and doesn’t soil his pants
Doesn’t have offensive tattoos or piercings
Doesn’t display frightening or sexually suggestive behaviors
Doesn’t bring any food that smells bad
Doesn’t use tobacco dip or pop chewing gum
Doesn’t prevent the plane from leaving on time
Doesn’t maintain an ungroomed and unkempt appearance
Doesn’t have bugs crawling on his skin
Doesn’t turn on the light at night
Doesn’t recline his seat
Doesn’t fidget or get up out of his seat repeatedly to check overhead baggage
Doesn’t hog the common armrest
Doesn’t get sloshed on booze and isn’t high on drugs
Doesn’t canoodle with a companion
Doesn’t freak out or hit anyone
Doesn’t push on the seat in front of him
Doesn’t talk loudly on a cell phone
Doesn’t use any noisy electronic devices
Doesn’t play violent video games
Doesn’t watch porno on a laptop
Doesn’t snore
Doesn’t drool on others
Doesn’t make munching or slurping sounds while eating or drinking
Doesn’t bring any screaming babies or unruly kids
Doesn’t bring any unconfined animals
Doesn’t overfill the baggage bins
Doesn’t keep the window shade open when the sun is bright
Doesn’t have a body size that extends beyond the boundaries of his seat
Doesn’t constantly cough, sneeze or vomit, or carry any contagious diseases
Doesn’t lollygag in the aisle when passengers are trying to disembark

Finally… The perfect passenger doesn’t read this list and expect that there’s any passenger in the world that’s completely ideal. Let’s face it, every passenger has his or her flaws – and definitely some more than others! What are your thoughts?

Anon April 12, 2009 at 4:55 pm

So the ideal passenger would be a cardboard cut out of Mother Theresa, or my rabbi. 😀

Craig April 14, 2009 at 4:19 pm

Actually, I think your list is reasonable and you just described about 70% of the people on most flights. We need to quit giving exceptions to the other 30%.

Craig in Scottsdale

Stephanie in Minneap April 16, 2009 at 7:50 am

I agree with Craig.. I follow those rules and so do most people. But I have to say have no tolerance for children or babies that are not behaving. I will tolerate unconfined anmials if they are quiet. The main problem I have been faced with is unruley children and parents who just sit there and say.. well that's what children do.

Maggie April 18, 2009 at 6:10 pm

"no tolerance for children or babies that are not behaving"

Seriously, babies? WTF? Man, Steph, you must be a bitch!

CJ April 19, 2009 at 1:07 pm

What do tattoos have to do with being a passenger? I don't think that's anything that affects me when I fly. If I don't like another passenger's ink then I am the one with the problem, not the other passenger. That one is just plain ridiculous.

Also, if I am not supposed to use the reading light at night, what the hell is it there for? I am sorry, but I don't sleep on planes, I would rather read. As long as I am not using the lights that belong to the other two people in my row, then the rest of the passengers can suck it!

I agree about having no tolerance for misbehaving brats. If that makes me a bitch, then fine, I am a bitch! Why should I have to listen to or put up with somebody else's brat making me miserable? I am surely not the only person not enjoying it!

Shannon April 19, 2009 at 4:37 pm

On my last flight I sat next to the woman and her husband that your list describes, I couldn't have selected more perfect companions.

Turns out, both myself and the couple should have been on other flights as I had missed my flight and they had decided to change their flight to an earlier one. After after visiting with the woman a bit, I found out her husband sits on the board of directors (for the past 15+ years) of the organization who awarded me a very generous scholarship for nursing school 12 years earlier, and was directly involved in the selection & decision-making process!

Just remember to be on your best possbile behavior when you are out in public, you never know who you might be seated next to!

zebra April 21, 2009 at 6:43 am

Actually all of those are reasonable expectations.

CJ: the list didn't negate all tattoos, just offensive ones that aren't covered up. (Like the kind that are prejudiced in some way.)

The only one I'm uncertain of is the 'violent' video games- if the sound is off or the player has headphones, what does it matter?

Art Vandelay April 21, 2009 at 10:35 am

The perfect passenger: sit down, shut up and dont fuss about so much.

Demotage April 27, 2009 at 9:11 am

What????? I can't get up repeatedly to use the restroom AND I can't soil my pants? Make up your mind!!!!

Roto13 May 8, 2009 at 4:28 pm

Anyone who has a problem with someone scratching their nose or reclining their seat needs to have their head examined.

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