animals

The Creature in the Cage

November 10, 2010

in Animal Stories

It all happened in January 2010 at the irritating DFW Airport – irritating as this place was designed back in the day of many carriers.  We all hate walking from one end to other just because [INSERT YOUR SMALL TOWN HERE] has few passengers so they stick you on the end.

We queued up to get through security to enter the wing.  Ahead of me was this very attractive young lady in those “furry, fancy ski resort type boots.”  Wait, sorry – this is irrelevant to my story.

There was this middle-aged lady, nothing out of the ordinary, in front of me with a smallish CAGE; yes, this is the kind with the cover, or shade, or drapes, hiding the sleeping beast.  So far, so good.  I think I heard something… could not place it.  Stay with me.

As we moved closer (long queue), I thought I heard something again… it dawned on me it was clearly coming from the cage.  It was at this point I realized she may be running a little late.  You see, I NEVER arrive late (anymore) – not worth the stress.  In a sick way, I actually enjoy watching folks who are late – nothing tests that new FRESH MOUNTAIN Old Spice roll-on than a nice jog in a shirt and tie.

Back on track – we are #2 and readying for the fun (yes, one of my pet peeves is taking my shoes off and walking on other folks’ sock sweat).  The lady, I’ll call her Marge (as she looked like a Marge somehow), is looking anxiously at her cage.  No noise this time, but something triggered me to pay attention as I took off the belt I forgot always sets off the machine.  The seemingly nice TSA rep asked her to remove her animal.  No big deal.  Well, this is when the fun begins.

MARGE: “Sorry, sir, but I cannot remove this thing from the cage.  It is angry.”

TSA: “Well, you have to, ma’am.”

MARGE: “This thing is not mine and I will not… it does not like me; you see, my son owns this thing and I am just transporting it for him.”

TSA: “What kind of animal is it, ma’am.”

MARGE: “I am not sure, sir.”

TSA: “You have to take it out of the cage; well, er, we could put it through the X-RAY but, well, you know what will happen.”

MARGE: “There is no way I am touching this thing; you do it.”

At this point, a weird noise came from said cage.  I finally got a decent glimpse; it was not a squirrel… hmm, not a ferret… clearly not a small dog… what the F**** is it – maybe some wild Canadian creature from the woods?

MARGE: “Look, sir, I am very late for my flight so can you PLEASE just do a visual.”

TSA: “Sorry, but we have to either have you take it out of the cage or we must risk it by putting the cage through the X-RAY.”

Now, let’s pause: I am no expert, but all parties watching this “situation” all agreed with “the gentle brow shift or nod” that this was not a great idea.

Next was what I’ll call THE GREAT PAUSE.  Everyone, TSA included, waited for the response.  Wait for it…

MARGE: “Please PUT HIM through; it is not mine anyways.”

At this point, Paul (er, me) says under his breath, “AWESOME!”  I know, you would not have said this, and I believe you.  I love all of God’s creatures, but it was a slow news day.

In she, he, it, went – MUCH to the surprise of the ONLY person who clearly was not listening to all this – the TSA video screen operator.  It was priceless to see the belt move BACK AND FORTH as the video screener lady tried to figure out what this thing was; one more dose of radiation, two more doses, let’s go for three?  bam, bam, bam

No obvious noises or distresses – more like an eerily silent hush – like my brother Jeff after two Bern’s steak house Calvados snifters.  Who knows if this thing is roaming today.

And there she went.

TSA: “Next, please.”

And then it was my turn… shoes and belt back on… flight was good that day!

I know I’ll get posts from JODY or GOOD KING HEROD (or maybe even JB the fuddy-duddy) saying, “Paul, why the heck didn’t YOU pick up the animal from the cage for the lady… are you no gentleman?”  There was no way, not this time… I still can’t figure out what it might have been.

- Paul

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Tagged as: airport, animals, security

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Flight Attendant Wins A Test Of Wills

September 6, 2010

in Attendant & Pilot Stories

Flying from ATL to DTW early one morning, the flight wasn’t full so there was plenty of overhead space for carry-on bags for a change! I’m on the aisle and see this woman struggling to get down the aisle with what appeared to be MORE than her share of bags. Her suitcase wasn’t even making it down the aisle so there was no way it was going to go into the overhead compartment!

Of course, she is sitting in my row so I get up and allow her plenty of room to get to her seat and actually stayed standing because she apparently thought that she could just strap her huge piece of luggage in the empty seat next to us which I knew wasn’t allowed.

After a few minutes of her trying to get situated, the woman across the aisle says, “You know that’s not going to work, why don’t you just check your bag like everyone else?” I ignored the ensuing exchange and opted to let the flight crew handle this situation.

Instead of asking for assistance from one of the FAs, this woman says, “Uh, excuse me. You can take my bag for me, thanks!” Everyone within hearing distance had to duck for fear of being embroiled in the exchange that we knew was about to take place.

FA: “Ma’am, it is not my job to lift and stow your bags for you. I’m sure this gentlemen would be happy to let you up so that you could take your own bag to the front of the aircraft. If you ask NICELY, perhaps they would allow you to stow it in the cupboard if there is room. If not, then you’ll have to check it. It is obviously too big for the overhead bin or the seat in front of you.”

When the woman returned, obviously put out by having to take care of her own luggage, she decided to “get even” and constantly ask for water for her CAT which was in one of the other bags that was stowed under the seat in front of her! The FA continued with her professional stance and didn’t let this woman get the best of her. Upon finding out that this (stupid) woman had a cat with her, the FA checked the records and found that that she had not paid extra for a pet to be on board (teaching her a lesson perhaps?)!

Bottom line, the woman was told to either pay the gate agent for transporting the cat or get kicked off. The woman finally paid the $$, but our flight was 60 minutes late leaving.

Good for the FA! She won that test of wills and never lost her composure!

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Tagged as: animals, baggage, cat, delay & cancellation, flight attendant, overhead bin

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Observations From An Airline Staffer

August 19, 2010

in Animal Stories

A customer wanted to avoid the pet fee, so they tranquilized their cat, wrapped it in bubble wrap and put it in a suitcase/carry-on. The flight was delayed and the cat woke up screeching and clawing. Busted.

A female customer brought aboard the flight a Chihuahua dog. During the flight the crew attendant noticed that the customer had taken the dog out to nurse it. I’m not kidding.

A customer’s flight was cancelled due to weather. The next flight out was not until the next day. The customer demanded to be compensated for a hooker because he was being deprived of his wife for the night.

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Tagged as: animals, breastfeeding, cat, dog, flight attendant, sexuality, weather

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The Bulldog Flight Attendant

April 18, 2010

in Attendant & Pilot Stories

My wife and I went on a Caribbean Cruise, and took a nonstop flight back home, Puerto Rico to Los Angeles, on American Airlines.

On this return flight, we encountered one of the BATTIEST flight crews around.

It started in the airport. First off, they neglected to do any pre-boarding. We saw this poor old lady, who didn’t speak English, sitting in her wheelchair watching everybody else board. What’s she supposed to do? I still don’t know what happened to her, hopefully they got her on-board.

Even the boarding process itself was off. The lady taking the tickets, and the lady announcing the boarding group, were totally out of sync. Microphone: “Groups one through three please.” Ticket lady: “Group one only, we haven’t started group two yet.”

Then I get on board. As I’m heading back to my seat, I pass the bulldog flight attendant. She is walking through her section of the plane (about 12 rows), closing all the overhead bins. They’re still empty, but she’s closing them. As each person arrives in her section, she asks where they are sitting. If it’s behind her section, she permits them to pass. If it’s in her section, she examines their bag to decide if she’ll let them put it in the overhead bin. Rinse, repeat.

We seated quickly. A few minutes later this family with three kids (all under 10) gets on. They clearly speak very little English. They needed to have a serious talk with whomever booked their seats: three across in one row, then single middle seats in the subsequent two rows. So they’re trying to figure out which child should sit alone between two strangers. I attempted to call the bulldog over to help, but she says we’re not in her section, so to ask the flight attendant at the back of the plane. I head back, and that flight attendant told me that she had just gotten all the drinks, and had to load them or we wouldn’t be able to take off. She told me to ask the bulldog. When I said the bulldog sent me to her, she said to sit down and someone would be over eventually. Eventually that got straightened out.

So we manage to take off successfully, and we’re about 2 hours into the flight. Suddenly, one of the flight attendants comes on the PA system: “ladies and gentlemen, the pilot has just turned on the fasten seatbelt sign, as we are expecting some turbulance. Please return to your seats as quickly as possible. If you can’t get to your seats, please sit on the floor.” HUH???

There was no turbulance. Maybe they flew over it, who knows. After about 15 minutes, the fasten seatbelt was turned off, and we could get up off the floor.

Toward the end of the flight, the back flight attendant came to talk to the people sitting directly behind us, who had brought a small dog on the airplane with them. She tells them that she’s glad they brought it onboard, because it’s really bad to check dogs under the plane. They tell her that they actually have two dogs, so there is also one under the plane. FA goes on this long rant about how horrible it is – some pilots forget to turn on the light so they’re trapped in the dark for 8 hours, if there’s any power problem that’s the first area where power gets cut so your dog might freeze to death, there is frequently trauma lasting days after the flight, etc. So helpful.

As an alternative, the FA suggests that they have a doctor write a note claiming that they need the dogs for medical reasons, and they’ll be permitted to bring both on board. Someone behind her butts in and asks about consideration and safety for the rest of the passengers, and she tells them that if a doctor writes a note, that takes priority.

We managed to land equally uneventfully. After a quick detour because the flight attendants gave us the wrong baggage claim location, we got our bags and headed home.

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Tagged as: animals, disability, dog, flight attendant, overhead bin, seats

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Stinky Like A Bad Public Toilet In France

April 4, 2010 Odor Stories

I was travelling from Atlanta to Newark, then on to Toronto with my then 2 year old. He has always been an excellent traveller by any standards. Plays nicely by himself, looks out the window, no screaming, etc. even back then. But you always get them, lots of dirty looks though from the business class. [...]

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Loose Dog On A Flight

February 10, 2010 Animal Stories

We were flying back home to Portland, Oregon from a Thanksgiving holiday visit in Sacramento, California. We were on a small Alaska plane for the short hour and half flight. I was about 6 months pregnant, and was traveling with my husband and my 2 year old daughter. The plane was configured for 2 seats [...]

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Little Kitty’s Wild Ride

February 2, 2010 Animal Stories

Several years ago my father adopted a stray kitten and decided to ship it to me when I was in the military stationed in Georgia. So I went to the Augusta airport to meet kitty’s flight and on the way got stuck in a massive traffic jam and was a little late. I walked into [...]

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Yapping Dog

February 1, 2010 Animal Stories

Last year I flew across country from San Diego to Hartford during the holidays. As I was waiting near the gate I noticed woman talking to her dog that she had enclosed in a pet carrier. I didn’t think much of it since pets are allowed on some flights. As soon as the flight took [...]

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Retired FA Reminisces And Advises

January 16, 2010 Attendant & Pilot Stories

I am a retired United FA and boy, do I have stories… from a baby croc stashed in a carry-on from Florida (that escaped onboard and bit some ankles), to a stow-away in the crew bunk room from London to San Fran (he was Hungarian and could only translate through drawing stick figures that he [...]

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Livid Over Languid Service

January 15, 2010 Airport Stories

My husband and I were moving overseas with our 2 children and 2 cats. We arrived at the airport 2 hours prior to the flight (our domestic leg) and waited in line to check in. There were only about 10 people in front of us. My husband was waiting off to the side with our [...]

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