Fly into the crazy skies with stories about airline travel
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I was on a Virgin Atlantic flight from Orlando to London. There was bad turbulence due to weather, so they announced that the food and drink service would be delayed. After about an hour and a half, they announced that the drink service in economy would be cancelled because the drinks were falling off the cart. However, we could physically see the drinks being delivered in premium economy and above. Did they have special carts?
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Reno, Nevada. United Airlines. 1989. This airport is in the middle of the city and the flight path is surrounded by hotels. There is a severe windstorm but the pilot decides to land anyway. I have a window seat and am watching in disbelief as the runway veers from left to right as the pilot tries to maintain his approach. Swear to god, before we touch down I see tumbleweeds, hubcaps, garbage can lids, pieces of plastic blowing across the runway. We land but go off into the grass on one side of the runway but he gets it back on the pavement and finally it’s OK. Nobody said a word until after everyone got off the plane.
Two years before that I landed at this airport during a blizzard. The runway was pure white. Actually you could not see the runway until about 50 feet off the ground due to the snowfall. The plane swerved like a car in snow as the pilot tried to brake. We stopped a few feet short of the end of the runway. I swore I would never fly there again in winter; that’s why I went the next time in the summer. But as it turns out that is windstorm season.
Phuket, Thailand. Thai Airways. 2003. We are on a flight to Bangkok and taxiing to the runway. Thick black smoke comes out of the vents everywhere in the plane. It is suffocating, acrid smoke. Toxic smoke. There is no announcement, no action by the flight attendants. People are starting to pass out. I was really afraid we might die. I had the exit row and asked the attendant for permission to open the door. She said, “No we must wait for instructions from the pilot.” Finally, the pilot told them to open the doors and we lived. Then we sat there in the broiling sun waiting for them to wake up the engineer to come and tow us back to the gate.
Germany to South America. Varig Airlines. 2004. I think this is the worst trip experience of my life. The flight attendants literally seemed disinterested in the passengers. They only reluctantly gave a pre-flight speech and then immediately disappeared. Something seemed very strange but they eventually reappeared for meal service. I had ordered a vegetarian meal on the advice of the travel agent. What a mistake. I am not joking, my meal was a wedge of lettuce and cold green beans with some dressing. And a small roll. That was it. That was my entire meal, my only food for Europe to South America. To take my mind off my hunger I tried to watch the movie but my coach seat had headphones with plugs for the first class seats. It would not work. The worst thing was that I had been dying to see the movie Sideways, which by coincidence was playing on the flight. I used my Boy Scout tracking skills to find the flight attendant’s lair behind a curtain where they were busy discussing union matters with each other. I tried to show them the meal and headphones but they literally ignored me. After three polite “Excuse mes” I lost it. I shouted at them, “Can you see me? Can you hear me?” Now I had their attention. I showed them the meal and said, “I am eating what you are eating even if you have to share, and get me a headphone that works in coach.” The senior attendant comes to back up his staff and starts speaking to me in Portuguese. I tell him, “You hear me speaking English? That’s a clue.” He apologizes and asks what is the matter. I tell him to give me something with protein in it and a head set for coach then I will go away. I got some chicken and headphones, then go watch Sideways two times. The attendants never reappeared until immediately before landing.
I have a six hour layover in Sao Paulo, but the connecting flight to La Paz, Bolivia is delayed. As it turns out during the flight the Brazilian government, which was feuding with the US government, began requiring transit visas for US citizens. So I am sitting in the airport lounge waiting and waiting for the connecting flight when the police come up to me and ask for me by my name. They check my passport and then tell me I am under arrest for not having a transit visa. It is like a dream. They take me to the police station and tell me I need a visa to stay for a layover as retaliation for US making Brazilians have their fingerprints taken in order to get a visa. I ask them for food and they actually say to me, “What is wrong, you order vegetarian on Varig?” In surprise, I tell them yes and the story of the head phones and terrorizing the attendants. They have a good laugh and agree to deport me to my connecting flight without a stamp in my passport.
The return trip is not any better. I was searched repeatedly when trying to leave Bolivia. The plane is almost ready to leave when the police come on and take me off the plane and down to the tarmac below. They make me identify my suitcases then they put the entire contents on the pavement for the dogs to sniff. Finally, convinced there is nothing illicit, they make me repack everything in front of all the passengers who are looking down from the windows. I reboard the plane but it won’t start. The pilots cannot start it and we have to wait two hours for a small jet with four mechanics to come from somewhere and fix our plane. Finally the plane takes off. Everyone on the flight belonged to a Protestant Church and was going on a mission in Brazil. They sang Christian songs and the young lady next to me witnessed for Christ and tried to convert me from Buddhism to Christianity the entire flight. I brought plenty of food for the return flight and never was so happy to see the unsmiling faces of Germans. My connecting flight to Bangkok was overbooked so I got upgraded to business on Lufthansa plus 100 dollars. Nice flight and good food, too. I thought my bad luck had ended. Wrong.
On return to the US I started to worry about the rubber gloves again. The immigration guy says to me, “What were you doing in Bolivian and Thailand?” I tell him the truth – I live in Thailand and was visiting friends in Bolivia on holiday. He actually says to me, “What’s the matter, don’t you love America?” It went downhill from there. Many hours of interrogation. Finally they let me go. I have not been back since.
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My GF and I were returning from LA to NYC on a Jet Blue flight out of Burbank.
Prior to boarding, we learned we had been “Randomly selected by the computer” for a bag check. Whatever, nothing like having your dirty undies strewn about for some TSA agent to rifle through, but I digress.
The flight looked fairly full while we were boarding, but I was happy to see the aisle seat was empty in our row (GF and I had middle and window seats). As is the norm, after everyone was seated, they started letting the stand-bys on. I glanced up and noticed a rather large woman with a rear end that resembled two hippos fighting under a blanket, sauntering down the aisle. “Please don’t sit here, please, for the love of god don’t sit here” was all I could think…
Of course, the flight attendant led her directly to the aisle seat of our row. As she wedged herself into the seat, it became apparent that she was not fitting without raising the arm rest. So, they raised the arm rest, and the majority of her ample rear fell onto my leg. I had no choice but to put one of my cheeks on to my GF’s lap. I could see a look of apology on the FA’s face, but she seemed more intent on getting everyone seated so we could take off.
For 5+ hours I sat with one of my cheeks on my GF’s leg so that this woman could occupy not only her seat, but half of the seat I had paid for. Additionally, my GF and I have flown Jet Blue many times, and were aware that there is no real meal service. So in anticipation, on the way to the airport, we stopped at a Trader Joe’s and bought small, easily eaten healthy snacks. We also chose the snacks that would be LEAST offensive to our planemates (no peanuts or smelly things). Apparently, the person next to me not only decided to occupy more seat than she paid for, but also decided to purchase her own “Snack” prior to boarding. It was a gigantic, smelly (onions and some foul sauce) submarine sandwich (at least 12 inches long) that she pulled from her bag about half-flight. She sat and devoured that thing with no concern for our comfort.
I give my GF grief from now on whenever she suggests Jet Blue.
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I want to start off by saying that after flying over 2 million miles in the past 20 years, that 99.9% of the flight attendants that I have flown with were fantastic professionals who deserve our respect and admiration for doing a tough job. However, once in a while you get one with a really bad attitude and you have to take action.
On a transatlantic flight from Rome to JFK last year during the initial beverage service, my flight attendant dropped a Coke in my lap. She kinda laughed when it happened. She handed me a single napkin, which was not enough to soak up an entire Coke from my clothing and when I asked for more napkins she got indignant. And she was not apologetic about it.
So a little while later when walking around the cabin with a water and coffee tray, she managed to splash my head with water. By this time, I had pretty much determined that it was not an accident. After the food service, while she was going through the cabin picking up trays, I decided it was time to take action. I “accidentally” dumped my tray and drink all over her when I handed if off. I had no more problems from her for the rest of the flight.
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Mobilized!
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