The Tourist Flight From Hell!

May 24, 2009

in Baby & Kid Stories

I live between Denver and Orlando and had until the airline crisis always taken red eye flights into and out of Orlando. When most of the airlines cut the red eye flights, I had no choice but to fly with the ranks of the screaming kids.

I have traveled a lot but not a single flight is as horrid as the flights coming out of Orlando Int’l. Airport. This last week I had a later flight on a Tuesday, I figured it would spare me 75% of the crying, screaming, brats that are seated in nearly every aisle, right? WRONG!

First of all MCO (OIA) has the WORST security system. I felt like a stockyard animal on my way into a slaughter house. Can these people please come to DIA and learn a few lessons on proper security screening??? It’s a joke that no one wants to laugh at!

Secondly, once at my gate, I was feeling anxiety as I sat down to the masses of crying, screaming, whining kids. I am a woman and have never felt the need to procreate. I began to feel nervous because being around a lot of kids gets me that way. Why do people take toddlers and newborns to Disney? They won’t remember or appreciate the experience!

I boarded the plane and was greeted by a man who had his kid in my window seat. “Do you need to pass” the man says… I was already feeling my repro system shrinking… “Your kid is in my seat” I replied. “Would you prefer the aisle seat?” he smirks and responds. I shot him a death threat look “No, I paid for the window, that’s my seat. Please move your kid.” He shot me an even uglier look and proceeded to move his spawn begrudgingly while arguing with his wife in the row behind where they were going to put the 2 toddlers they had and a newborn. I felt my ovaries shrink further.

In the end, he sat next to me and his spawn on the end. She was actually good; it was the next cargo load of Disney brats that had me feeling like I needed a shot of valium and morphine! I counted 15 toddlers in my area, all screaming, all crying, all being bratty. Then Mr. Takemyseat‘s wife starts to pass the crying newborn over the seat to daddy while the toddler comes and crawls all over his lap as well, kicking my tray. I think I almost puked when I caught a whiff of baby poo from over the seat. I cursed under my breath in Spanglish, pulled out my 2.0 oz hairspray and sprayed. He passed the baby back to mama.

This went on the entire 3 hours from Orlando to Denver. Top that with the fact every time he stood up, I had his big fat butt in my face and he felt most entitled to my arm rest. My revenge was that I kept making him get up and out so I could go to the restroom, even if it was to blow my nose or wash my hands.

When the plane landed, I called my significant other and told him “Babe, cancel that vasectomy appointment, I think my reproductive system just shriveled up, turned to dust and pitched a big fat NO KIDS sign in its place on account of all the screaming, crying, whining brats on this Disney Express… Next time, I fly out of Sanford, Tampa, or Melbourne. I refuse to deal with other people’s apparent lack of parenting because they can’t control their spawn.”

Mr. Takemyseat shot me a dirty look and cleaned up the mess that his spawn left on the floor and in the seats. I shot him a big smile and told my sig other “Duct tape is a staple they need to carry on all flights. It’s perfect for keeping kids in their seats and keeping them quiet!”

{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }

babeyousuck May 3, 2009 at 7:08 pm

You sound like an annoying, narcisstic stuck up yuppie. That was one of the most boring, pointless stories I've ever read.


H E Pennypacker May 3, 2009 at 10:03 pm

Thank god you chose not to spread your DNA around…you have too much chlorine in your gene pool!


Hugh May 4, 2009 at 1:22 am

You yourself said the man's "spawn" was good. Other than that, some toddlers cried. You were flying out of Orlando, get over it. People deciding to take kids to Disney is not your concern. I for one an very happy that you decided against procreation. We have enough whiny, snivelling, complaining, "victims" already.

Next time pay for First Class.


Anonymous May 4, 2009 at 2:48 am

Some people should not reproduce and your one of them….I was waiting for you to say the toddler did something bad or the parents were bad parents…this story is pointless. Yes, there are going to be kids on the flight to Orlando. This one didn't sound bad.


Elisa May 4, 2009 at 4:51 am

I am sure that you would never lower yourself to "doing" that thing that creates kids anyway. You know, because stupid people do it. You wouldn't want to be like them.


Anonymous May 4, 2009 at 6:00 am

What everyone else said, plus go see your shrink and get a prescription for Valium (or just get liquored up in the airport bar ahead of time) — it sounds like you really need the proverbial "chill pill" and a good pair of earplugs.



Susan May 4, 2009 at 11:25 am

wow you're a real bitch aren't you? thank god you have decided not to reproduce, god forbid you pass on your ignorant genes to others, and this is someone who doesn't have any children either telling you you are a wench!


Onslow May 4, 2009 at 12:02 pm

Kids can sure be annoying.


Roto13 May 4, 2009 at 12:26 pm

Wow. To echo what's already been said, thank god you won't be having children. The world doesn't need any more people like you.


Jodi May 5, 2009 at 4:12 am



SkylarKD May 5, 2009 at 10:49 am

Wow, what a bitch.

Charter your own flight next time, if you can't stand to be around other people. I feel sorry for everyone sitting near you.

It's really obnoxious to spray your hair spray in the cabin, and your phone call showed a distinct lack of class.

Children don't always understand how they should act on a plane, and that's why people cut them some slack when they're noisy and misbehave. No one makes excuses for an adult brat like you.


Crighton May 5, 2009 at 11:17 am

I think the guy who you sat beside you, wrote an entry about putting up with snotty, self-centred egotistical, weasles. On the outside chance your tubes did not shrivel up, please, do the entire population a huge favour, and have them tied.


Jaz May 5, 2009 at 12:22 pm

You have issues, and don't seem to cope with your daily life very well.


pls May 5, 2009 at 4:42 pm

I totally understand your experience. I have had many flights in and out of Orlando and I am a very caring mom & step mom and let me tell you about ORL. There should be a Dr. Phil family intervention counter in the concourse for the families that go through there! No wonder why our nation has youth problems when you experience parents interactions with their kids! The experiences I have had there constantly remind me of what our parents never would have put up with ! Until you travel for business through Orlando, be careful how you throw out your barbs here.


pls May 5, 2009 at 4:43 pm

I entirely understand your issue here! I have travelled through ORL many times and I think there should be some talk show interventions live from the concourse. Dr. Phil could run an entire spin off series there.


Zoe May 6, 2009 at 5:28 am

I'm sure the parents and kids loved really loved sitting next to you too, warm and understanding person that you are …

Do us all a favor — save yourself and your fellow passengers (who ALSO paid for their seats) much agony by flying in First.

And thank you, sincerely, for choosing not to reproduce. We don't need any more vitriolic witches like you in the gene pool.


Reasoning_Doubt December 29, 2013 at 11:19 pm

No, but I guess the American gene pool needs moronic, talentless, ne'er-do-wells such as yourself, Zoe.


LOL May 6, 2009 at 11:58 am

HAhaha, what a fake story. Hairspray? On the off chance that it is true… You are going to be that funny story they tell for years at family gatherings. "Remember that mean old lady that was on that plane? Hahaha, what an old witch."


Jay May 6, 2009 at 12:06 pm

First off, how did you get hairspray on a plane? I fly to Orlando every 4-5 weeks and have never had a problem with the children on flights. You would be whining and crying to if you had to leave a place that was so much fun. Second. if you travel a lot upgrade. I do agree that the security at MCO is horrific but they try to separate families and experienced travelers. or if you fly out of there a lot get the clear card less than five minutes from curb to gate every time I have used mine.


Magda May 7, 2009 at 10:04 am

So you got completely pissed off because they did nothing wrong? i'd say you're the evil spawn since you can't even have the decency to be NICE to people! Face it, kids live on this world… maybe you would learn about some patience and respect if you actually had one. But please don't…everyone has bacically summed that up. I wouldn't call that a bad day i'd just say you're never happy with anything.



Festerdun May 10, 2009 at 6:34 pm

Absolutely hilarious! I can certainly relate to the story myself, having to put up with all the breeders out there who think their precious little angel is the greatest gift to Mankind. Just call 'em Johnny Rotten Appleseed!


Anonymous May 11, 2009 at 11:39 am

Unfortunately I don't think this woman is going to be reading our comments, but I think it's safe to say we're all happy she decided not to bring children into this world


Anomia May 13, 2009 at 1:07 pm

Wow… you're definitely not cut out to be a mom, so good choices on your part.


Rick May 13, 2009 at 5:39 pm

Glad you won't be a mom. I have 2 great kids. 20 yrs ago we went to SEA to see my sister with a 2 yr old who cried about 1/2 way from ORD to SEA. Some old dastard swore at us all the way out – when we landed all passengers cursed him out. That kid is on the Dean's List today. You remind of the old bastard – and old dried up c–t


Reasoning_Doubt December 29, 2013 at 11:20 pm

They have a dean's list at a community college?


Mac May 15, 2009 at 6:18 pm

Seems like a lot of the comments are running against discipline and decorum. These may be out of vogue with some, but not me. Kids need to be controlled, or their parents shouldn't be taking them on public conveyance. Other passengers pay for their seats, and have a right not to be annoyed or subjected to discomfort caused by others. Maybe the best idea was a comment to another complaint here, and that was to just have a minimum age for air travel. Another solution might be to have some flights for adults only.


Amber May 19, 2016 at 9:25 am

The comments are calling out her behaviour towards a family that she herself says the kids never acted up. Bitching about a family with well behaved kids it absurd. Kids are what make this world go round, seems some people forget that without children the human race would end. There are certainly poorly behaved kids out there, and even worse are the bad parents that give all others a bad name by letting their kids be in control. This story is not about a family that let their kid scream and tantrum throughout a flight, it's about bitch that is obviously making a good decision to never reproduce due to her clear hatred towards any and all children, even well behaved kids that do nothing wrong on her flight except have the bad misfortune to be stuck next to this cunt.


Anonymous May 19, 2009 at 7:47 am

flights for adults only. ha. why not whole cities like that. maybe a country too. you'd never have to see another child in your empty, meaningless life.


Jeff May 19, 2009 at 12:59 pm

To bad your Mother didn't have the same thought about the need to procreate. Would of been one less stuck up bitch in this world. Just stay home from now on.


Adam McLemore May 23, 2009 at 7:28 pm

Have you been on camping trip recently? Because I think a badger crawled straight up your ass and got stuck?

I'm sorry, but what a major league bitch! You'd think the poster was from New York City or something!


anonymous May 27, 2009 at 8:41 am

Goodness! The vitriol expressed here against this person is appalling. Except for a few, most responses range from dismissive to nasty and are rarely constructive. I would have handled the situation differently. It strikes me that those who are parents–responsible for raising children who will be intelligent, peaceful citizens–yet choose to respond to the writer though name calling and insults are as childish as she is.


Atari May 30, 2009 at 10:55 pm

Wow, it's great reading all of the insults from people who apparently didn't read the story before typing a heated, obnoxious retort.

It's really sad that so many children scream and whine in public. It's ridiculous.

If more people were like you (refused to have offspring) then it wouldn't be so bad.

I can't understand why some people want to have kids. . . .


Amber May 19, 2016 at 9:30 am

Kids are the reason the human race has survived for so many years. If everyone stopped reproducing then humans would cease to exist.

I read the story, the OP is simply bitching about being stuck beside well behaved children and their parents that actually took the time to keep them occupied and happy during the flight. She says herself that the kid beside her never acted up, yet she continually bitches about the kid beside her and his dad. She's whining about the dad beside her and the mom behind her passing the baby back and forth and keeping it content and happy during the flight. She bitches about the baby either pooping or farting, which is what babies do, hell adults fart and poop just as much, the difference is adults get to do so in the bathroom where as babies have to do so in their diapers and wait until they get changed. She never once mentions the parents failing to change the diaper of the baby, just that it went poop, well everyone poops.


SamHermanMD May 31, 2009 at 7:08 am


All of the self-righteous mommies and daddies suddenly see what terrible parents they are and they can't take it!

Too bad their mothers were not childless.


Jon P June 11, 2009 at 4:29 pm


Fake, fake, fake, fake.

Sorry, don't believe it. Used to take a lot of westbound red eyes to Denver, did you?

Gonna fly out of Sanford next time? What, on a Charter flight to the UK, and connect through Luton? Thank god you wouldn't find any unpleasant people flying out of Sanford…


Jeffrey June 28, 2009 at 12:28 pm

Sweetie, you are full of shit, a bitch, and have no business writing a story like this. Go SCREW!!!!!

ps. the rest of the word thanks you for not reproducing as we need no more idiots like you!


Jeffrey June 28, 2009 at 12:29 pm



Tony June 21, 2010 at 10:47 pm

I HOPE your significant other as you like to call him is fucking your best friend.


memee June 22, 2010 at 5:15 am

Flying to Orlando and you expect no kids? What planet are you from?

Get a grip and please, donot ever procreate, close your wahoo with duct dape.


Serraglio April 25, 2011 at 11:31 am

Bravo. Why can't others, especially breeders understand that while they might have the right to bring their children (by law atleast)'s also the right of the people around them to be able to have a calm, quiet, relaxing flight.

I am sorry but just because you think that your child is the most adorable and perfect thing in the world does not make it so. To me that child is nothing but a generator of noise, odors and potentially physical abuse (if it starts kicking my seat). It is a source of stress. I do not know you or your child and I do not care about you or it.
I will be polite and smile and respect your privacy and peace, all I ask is that you respect mine that way we can all get through the ordeal as quickly as possible with the least amount of stress. This should be something you would want as well I would think.

There is a good reason some charter companies are looking into child-free flights and that there are being built child-free vacation resorts (quite a few actually).

To the original poster: Bravo for letting them know how much stress this generates for the rest of us.


Amber May 19, 2016 at 9:34 am

The OP is bitching about well behaved children. In her own words she says the child next to her and the others of the parents of this family were not poorly behaved. So what is she whining about? Simply being stuck in a plane next to a well behaved child, and parents taking care of their baby.


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