Circus Freak Show

Welcome to the freak show, fellow passengers. Here’s the circus I’ve seen – people are what makes flights from hell…

Passenger #1 – In the bulkhead – takes off his shoes, then proceeds to use the wall as some sort of foot scratching pad, rubbing his feet on every surface he could reach. He was amazingly limber as well, much to the disgust of the rest of us behind him.

Passenger #2 – Yes, we all saw you picking your nose and wiping it on the seat.

Passenger #3 – You were given a napkin, use it. But hey, if you want to exchange your pretzel and nut crumbs on the side of the seat with the previous passenger’s boogies, feel free. I just hope you don’t do the same thing when you’re using the toilet.

Passenger #4 – OK, you were the 4th person to use the bathroom, and yet when I use it and pump the soap dispenser, I find out that it’s still twisted shut. And people wonder why I don’t like to shake hands….

Passenger #5 – Wow, I’m lucky to be next to you. A smoker, I see. The fact that you felt it necessary to marinate in an ashtray after being picked off the floor of the bar bathroom like a hyena rolling in zebra guts – is that just a little bonus for the rest of us who actually showered so that you can completely negate our efforts to be a hospitable seatmate? Why yes, I am turning all of the air vents to you in the vain hopes of not picking up your rancid, rotting scent.

Passenger #6 – Ooooh, you’re soooo important. Just so you know, when I get off this plane, I’m going to follow you, take your cell phone, and beat you with it. Can you hear me now?! I realize you think that everyone really needs to hear the dealing & wheeling you’re doing and that everyone on this plane is here to serve you – and that the rest of us are just too common for you to even acknowledge with a polite “hello” when you sit down, but let me assure you – we don’t care. As a matter of fact, we hope that wherever it is you land, your wife is waiting with your bags packed and drops you off at a hotel by yourself, and that your boss tells you that you’ve been canned….and that you have to turn your cell phone in.

Passenger #7 – Bin space? Why no, I don’t need any bin space. By all means, take your neatly folded overcoat, jacket, briefcase, gift box of chocolates, carry-on luggage (too large to fit short-side in) and newspaper and put it in the overhead. No need to account for anyone else! Oh, and no one is in a rush, either – feel free to take 20 minutes doing this. And if you wouldn’t mind, could you clear your throat and give a self-important grunt/cough as you read the paper during the entire flight so that no one can sleep or have a disrupted thought? Oh, and tilt your seat back…more….a little more….there, perfect! No one behind you needed to have any sensation in anything below the knees.

Passenger #8: – Can you count? Really? Are you sure? Well, perhaps you would know that seat #35B is not directly behind seat #7A. Sure, the airline industry is full of tricksters, but the last time I checked, they didn’t rearrange the seat numbers for the sheer joy of it – they are still in numerical order. So, you don’t have to slowly make your way down the aisle, stopping and clutching at each and every seat as if you were playing duck-duck-goose (grabbing the unsuspecting head or hair of passengers as you do such), counting aloud the seat numbers and checking it against your ticket as though it would magically change.

Sigh….I fly too much.

Tagged as: cell phone, lavatory, overhead bin, seats, tobacco