Annoyed by Airport Rigmarole

October 7, 2010

in Airport Stories

This happened just last summer. Oh eternal bliss…

It started out when I was going back to the States from Russia. Instead of flying Aeroflot, Delta or AA, we finally decided to take a spin on United which turned out to be the only good American airline we have flown (KLM still trumps most lines, in my opinion). We were dropped off at the airport 2 hours before takeoff. We found our check-in and waited. Ten minutes, 20, 30, 60, 80. Finally we were called up by the check-in personnel. There was a twenty minute weighing process in which each bag was comfortably placed onto scales so they could be weighed. Then another fifteen minutes came and went due to some problem with our boarding passes. It turns out someone with my name had gotten onto the No-Fly List.

After fifteen minutes of waiting, our boarding passes came out. We dashed off, parents in tears, to the scanning area. We were then diverted for more scanning since we had a “suspect” in our party, which was me. Another ten minutes later we had made it to passport control which, in Russian airports, takes about 1 hour to wait through all those lines to stamp your passport.

My parents found out that I did not have a boarding pass and dashed off to get one printed out. I then had the luck of running into a blonde that I had met a couple of weeks earlier. We said hello, talked for a while, and then she had to go through PC. My parents ran up frantically mumbling about how horrible this was and how we would miss our flight. Suddenly, Ms. Ignorant Check-in attendant ran up to us with our boarding passes. We set off through the maze of security checkpoints created for our own good. After a long hassle, we finally managed to get ourselves and our carry-on luggage to the gate where personnel were waiting to scan us with devices that would detect if we posed a threat to the plane. They riffled through our page, scanned our hands, feet and face, and then, after questioning what my sister’s Littlest Pet Shops were (possibly due to the magnet in the bottom of the toys), sent us on the plane.

As due compensation for the crap we had to put up with in DME, I was given a seat next to said blonde, who for some reason was also flying to Dulles. The ten hours were comfortable, fun and relaxing: no babies, obese slobs that invade your seat with less warning than the Normandy invasions and so on. Whenever the FA came around, she smiled and sometimes halted for two seconds to chat with us.

After a long while we got the news that our landing would be delayed due to thunderstorms by about one hour. This cut our margin of connection in Dulles to -15. I then concluded that if a plane entering a fogged up airport is delayed, then a plane exiting is also delayed. I was right.

With 45 minutes to go, we slogged through Customs, Immigration and Baggage Claim. I rendezvoused with my parents at the nearest flight tracker pedestal. I stated that our flight to PHX had left two minutes ago. We started to race down the terminal hallway and then noticed that our flight was departing from Gate T33 (or whatever Dulles calls their gates, I can’t remember), and that we were at T4. We decided to walk to the gate since we knew we would be late.

Of course, a random gate worker had held the doors open for us, giving us a small lecture on why we should have hurried. The flight to PHX was comforting, with a whole row empty for me to sleep. So, if you think about it, this has a net positive. Or maybe it comes out even. I’m just happy that I’m not flying for another 8 months.

{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Salamandra October 7, 2010 at 4:16 pm

Liar liar pants on fire


ps October 8, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Dont know about that… the Russia part that is….doing Russia outside of Moscow and St Pete airport wise is usually a true adventure….. And should it be Rigamorole?


Heidi October 8, 2010 at 3:03 pm

People pronounce the word as though it's spelled that way, but actually the spelling is correct.


ps October 11, 2010 at 8:17 am

well, you learn something new every day. didnt come up on spellcheck.


Allen October 8, 2010 at 12:04 am

This is not a flight from hell. It's just boring…


Peter October 8, 2010 at 2:23 am

May not be an outright lie but a certain amount of literary license definitely used. Considering all the stores that are contained on this website I would have thought the writer would have learned you do not turn up for an International flight 2 hours before departure, you most definitely do not turn up only 2 hours prior to take-off when your departure airport is located in Russia. This more a case of dumbass flyer than flight from hell


James October 8, 2010 at 4:20 am

No, I'd believe 2 hours early at Domodedovo. I've flown out of there in the past, and it is much more efficient than most American airports. Sheremetyevo, I think you'd need 4 hours.


Ron October 8, 2010 at 2:56 am

This is a flight from hell how? You could've at least made it interesting with a made up 'mile-high club' story with the blonde…


James October 8, 2010 at 4:16 am

"United which turned out to be the only good American airline we have flown"

Proof this is fiction.


D-Money October 8, 2010 at 5:19 am

*yawn* Pretty dull, and nowhere close to being a flight from hell.


rerere October 8, 2010 at 9:42 am

As said above:

“United which turned out to be the only good American airline we have flown”

Yeah right, I am supposed to believe that.


TacoDave October 8, 2010 at 11:00 am

Not only boring, but almost incomprehensible at times. If you're a foreigner, I apologize for making fun of your writing/English. But if you're an American, you need to go back to 9th grade and learn how to write coherently.

"They riffled through our page" ?!?


ps October 19, 2010 at 4:35 am

US Post Office uses "riffle" as opposed to rifle for obvious reasons… And I'm not kidding


Waldi October 8, 2010 at 12:18 pm

Not 9th grade, make that 4th grade.


Waldi October 8, 2010 at 12:23 pm

Not 9th grade, make that 5th grade. God help us all if 9th graders write fake stories as this one. America, a new third world country?


ismellarat October 9, 2010 at 9:56 am

"scanned our hands, feet and face" lucky not your cock you'd be sterile for life, what with that Russian radiation. Surprised your many roll of high speed film made it through.

15 minutes to resolution being on a no fly list IN RUSSIA???? I think not.

At least go to Russia first, believe me you could come up with a better bullshit story that would entertain us all.

A RANDOM gate worker gave you a small lecture. Yep, sounds like hell to me.


Troy October 19, 2010 at 2:48 am

"Third World"? No, no, don't think that. America's just fine. Some meaningful changes to your gun laws and a more practical, less cynical healthcare system and you'll be well on your way. FROM AN AUSSIE WHO LOVES AMERICA FROM AFAR.


Kirsten July 4, 2011 at 12:41 pm

I lost all sympathy for the poster when he described a woman as "the blonde." Way to objectify women, dude.


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