Well, I guess it was just a matter of time before I had a story about a flight from hell I had.
I just returned from visiting my daughter in Myrtle Beach, S.C. The entire trip was perfect with the exception of a young kid seated in front of me during the Hartford to Charlotte leg of my flight on US Airways.
We departed Bradley International on time (1500) on 27 March. The weather was perfect for flying. Not a cloud in the sky, no heavy winds, no delays, perfect!! I would be in Myrtle Beach the day before my baby daughter’s 30th birthday. I boarded the flight with the rest of the coach class, ready for another cramped flight on an Airbus 319 (it was supposed to be a 737). Hey, what the hell, I thought to myself, it’s only 2 hrs. How bad can it be? That’s when the young man plunked himself into the seat in front of me, fighting with his brother over who was going to play with the Nintendo DS. Hey, what the hell, I thought to myself, it’s only a 2 hour flight. How bad can it be?
Then the flatulence started. I’m not sure which of the little darlings had a dinosaur crawl up his rear end and die the night before, but whichever one it was, he gleefully ripped one every 5 minutes for the entire flight!
Now before anyone condemns me for being too sensitive, I spent 20 years in the U.S. Navy, serving on 6 different ships and various shore commands, so I’ve experienced some pretty nasty things in my day. Never, ever had I smelled anything so vile come from a human being! This kid deserved an award for his farts!! He could have knocked a buzzard off a crap wagon at 30 paces!!
And he was punctual! Evey 5 minutes! Just as the green cloud had cleared our section and started heading for some hapless passenger seated aft of us, this farting machine would start to giggle and elbow his brother, letting him know we were in for another round of stomach turning fun courtesy of his digestive system. Perhaps it was the top quality grub served up at one of the fine dining establishments located throughout Bradley Airport, or maybe this kid had some bad enzymes in his stomach, but whatever it was, I can only say….. thank goodness I didn’t have to scrub the crust out of that kid’s BVDs after that flight. It must have required a level 1 MOPP suit!!
Oh well, I survived it only to get to my daughter’s house just in time to find out her one year old son had an upset stomach……. He was fine when I came back in the morning.
Tagged as:
flatulence,
odor,
US airways
I was traveling with two of my buddies from JFK to Buffalo for our annual Bills/Jets game on a Saturday night. Being the young males that we are we waited for our flight in one of the terminal sports bars, drinking and watching college football.
As we sat there we befriended two guys drinking next to us that had the same tradition and had been doing this for quite some time. Now we had a good amount of alcohol at the bar, but not enough to be any rowdier than normal.
As we were seated in the back of the plane, these two moron friends of mine start a J-E-T-S chant (P.S. I’m a Bills fan). Now they do this two or three times prior to us taking off and a lot of the plane joined in. About 45 minutes into the flight the drink cart came by and the FA informed us that there was no alcohol aboard this flight. Later to find out after talking to the same guys from the bar, they said they were informed that there were three drunk and boisterous guys in the back of the plane and the captain had cut the entire flight off. WE MADE THE ENTIRE FLIGHT DRY!!!!
On the return flight Monday morning, my one buddy next to me had to expel some, let’s just say, Labbatts beer gas from the weekend, one of which must have so tickled my nostril hairs that it woke me from a dead sleep.
Apparently though I wasn’t the only person on the flight that was similarly affected. As we were leaving the flight a gentleman that had been sitting two rows behind us commented that we needed to lay off the Labbatts next time we go up as he was being blamed by all the rows behind him. So in the matter of three days we had caused one flight to suffer as if it was prohibition and another feel like they were in a cargo plane full of cattle.
Tagged as:
alcohol,
flatulence,
odor
Two years ago on a flight from JFK to Heathrow, I was seated next to a middle-aged pudgy man. He ordered a cocktail directly after take-off, took two sleeping pills with his drink, and promptly fell asleep.
Soon after he fell asleep, he began to pass gas; loud, smelly, ridiculous farts. I was on the aisle, and the row across from me had an open seat. The woman sitting in the aisle across from me took pity on me and let me move over next to her. Everyone in a two-row radius fluctuated between giggles and grimaces for the next few hours.
About 3 hours later the man woke up. He still was suffering from a GI tract abomination, however. He then began trying to “control” himself. Eventually he failed, letting one really rip. He looked across the aisle directly at me, and explained, “Sorry, these sleeping pills give me gas.”
WHY would you take them then?!
Tagged as:
flatulence,
medication & drugs,
odor
One memorable flight from hell started like this…
I began my journey in Atlanta and was traveling back home to Los Angeles. After hours of delays the plane took off from Atlanta and soon we were on the ground in Memphis. The first part of the flight was uneventful. The flight from Memphis to LA was a nightmare of ODOR and heat.
The aircraft was completely booked. I took my economy seat about mid plane and waited for takeoff. My pal took the window seat and I had the aisle seat. I knew the doors would be closing soon and I was happy or at least hoping that the middle seat would remain open. I glanced around and it appeared that every seat except our middle seat was taken. I silently prayed that the doors would close or at the very least, that I would not be subjected to an extremely large person taking the middle seat. Seconds before the doors closed a thin attractive young lady came in and took the middle seat. I thought that this shouldn’t be too bad, right? WRONG.
Our flight finally takes off around 11:30 PM and it is full and really hot aboard the aircraft. Minutes into the flight I am already pretty uncomfortable due to the heat. The young lady in the middle seat proceeds to fall asleep, facing me with her mouth open. I think she must have consumed kimchi and a mixture of garlic and onions, because she had the most disgusting breath and it was being blown directly on me. Oh dammmm. There is just no way I can endure this for the 4 plus hour flight.
After about a half an hour, I was almost at my breaking point. My buddy, who seems to also be asleep, starts passing gas. I won’t go into gory details, but this odor could wake the dead and it could easily disturb any living soul. I am doing a double take like one of the little rascals and just can not believe my bad luck. If I wasn’t so hot and tired, I might even laugh, but I just couldn’t. The gas was so bad that the man sitting in front of me quickly turns around and gives me the ‘death stare.’ I shrug to say that it is not me, but I am not sure he is buying that. About five minutes later, my buddy old pal fires off the second of his scud missiles. For all I know, he has a full armory of these missiles, so I am already planning my escape plan. After this second volley, I reach across Ms. Dragon Breath and hit buddy in the arm. He still pretends to be sleeping, but I notice a slight grin on his face… Dog. Actually it was much worse than anything my dog could release.
OK, by this point I am so done… stick a fork in me. I get up and walk to the back of the plane and end up standing there for the remainder of the flight. I only took my seat when we were ordered to return for landing. I did share my story with a few of the Delta FA’s and after laughing and ooohhing, they were sympathetic. The FA’s even gave me a few free beers while I stood guard at rear of the plane.
To this day, my pal still says he doesn’t know what I am talking about and claims he was sound asleep the entire flight. And for the young lady… brush, floss, rinse, gargle and bring lots of Mentos and gum… yikes.
Tagged as:
alcohol,
delay & cancellation,
delta airlines,
flatulence,
flight attendant,
odor,
seats
