The Boorish Brit

October 9, 2009

in Passenger Stories

The story I am about to relate took place in July 2005. I had booked a direct flight from Cleveland (rock on!) to Gatwick (snobville). I arrived at the airport in plenty of time to make my flight, but some British twit kicked over my bags on the way to the ticket counter. I made the mistake of asking what type of aircraft was being used for the flight. I was horrified when I heard it was a Boeing 757- a single aisle plane, because the British twits on that flight are usually morbidly obese and smell like girly soap. I saw this British guy act all surprised when the check-in clerk told him that they were using an ordinary plane for an eight hour journey. Who cares? She told him off, but he was still being a twit.

They took the 757 anyway, although they kept asking, “Is the plane full?” Duh. The agent kept flipping him off whenever he turned around. She seemed really enthused about it.

He kept complaining about having a minimal amount of space and the chance of changing our seats. I saw him on the flight later. He asked the flight attendant if there were any seats on the aisle close to each other, but she glared at me as though I were an idiot (he was) and was told again that the flight was full as we had already been told in the terminal (could he not understand English?). The plane was still at the gate and she was already pissed at this guy.

The man pretended to sit back and enjoy the flight as best as he could. This guy says to his wife, “Good, no one is sitting in the aisle seat – we can stretch out.” The door was almost closed when they re-opened it for a late arriving passenger. This person – a poor kid with Down’s syndrome comes on the plane. He was trying his best to find his seat, and the British guy starts laughing at him. As the kid tried to sit down next to the Brit, the man started groaning loudly, whispering nasty things to his wife.

I have to tell you – I have had nightmares over the years of a jerk such as this sitting next to a kid with such obvious social challenges and now the nightmare had become a reality. The entire visible part of the kid – almost all of it – was covered in these cute little temporary snake tattoos, probably something his parents let him put on as a reward for flying alone.

And the British guy smelled. Like something cheap and tawdry that a high school girl might wear. He was clearly feminine beyond belief. A real closet case if I ever saw one. He kept complaining about the kid, screaming about snakes, screaming about the kid’s hair and feet – and having no socks, and his supposed smell, which I think was all his imagination. The man was clearly schizophrenic, ODD, and testosterone deficient, all at once.

The Brit nervously tried to make friends with everyone, but we all ignored him. The kid had a physical disability which made him unable to sit still. It made the British guy scream again. Lord help us all.

My next thought was, “Oh, my Gawd, I have got to put up with this for the next eight hours?” In a very loud whisper to my wife, I started complaining about our lax VISA policies regarding people of questionable social skills. My wife told me to be quiet in case the British guy started weeping. His constant glaring at me told me he had heard every word I said.

As we were taxiing from the gate, the British guy, in a very loud voice made the statement, “I can’t put up with this smell for very much longer without throwing up!!” Upon hearing this the kid jumped up, glared at him, started crying, and pulled his bag from under the seat. People undid their seatbelts and stood to see what had happened. The flight attendant screamed out at the British guy to stop being a jerk. They found the kid an empty seat further back in the plane, as he went and sat there, saving him from the British guy’s vile presence. As we landed in Gatwick the poor kid ran the entire length of the plane to be the first to disembark. If looks could kill, the British guy should have dropped dead from the hatred on everyone’s face as the kid ran down the aisle.

The Bit stood up, claimed it all ended well since he had three seats between him and his wife, and it turned into a fairly pleasant flight since he wasn’t sitting next to the genetically less fortunate. Of course, he did tell everyone that the food was terrible before he and his shrew wife departed the plane.


{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Demotage October 10, 2009 at 9:30 am

…a little confused here….

This is an apparent re-telling of the 'Neanderthal Man' story, from another passenger's pov, although it's a little hard to tell because of the mixed pronouns. The Neanderthal man becomes a kid with Down syndrome with temporary rather than real snake tatoos.

It is likely an imagined response to the earlier story, giving us an alternate interpretation of the events of that day – as opposed to there really having been another passenger on the plane writing this story (the details are a little too pat). But amusing nonetheless.


david October 10, 2009 at 9:57 am

the writer called british people usually morbidly obese……um yeah i guess they have never seen people over here in the States, unless Cleveland is miraculously different from many areas here, people here are much larger than people in the UK and i also have noticed people here are more self centered, obnoxious, and more snobby than people over the pond

And it is pretty well known in other countries that American tourists can be the worst, in the way they act and the selfish attitudes that they bring over, how everything has to be about them and if not than it feels like a crime

there are always exceptions however……

if this is really what happened than he was out of line and in a one word summary…..a (jerk)

I have had flights that kinda go like that, where i am next to a large american who just wont stop eating and smelling up the plane with food he brought from home and letting off gas without excusing themselves, i much prefer sitting next to people from other countries, they seem much more friendly and you learn more about culture and it is usually more pleasant


TheBigM October 10, 2009 at 10:43 am

Sounds like a made up story to me. Surely no-one can be this big a bigoted tosser (I mean the writer).

Idiots on planes are of all nationalities, this guy just hates Brits.


Hugh October 12, 2009 at 12:58 am

Obviously a TROLL, please cease commenting positively or negatively to this post.


DSD October 12, 2009 at 6:24 am

I call shenanagans!!

The writer can't even keep the people straight.

'He asked the flight attendant if there were any seats on the aisle close to each other, but she glared at me as though I were an idiot (he was) and was told again that the flight was full as we had already been told in the terminal (could he not understand English?)."


1) Cleveland does NOT rock, its the biggest hole I have ever had the misfortune to live in.

2) Its ironic that the writer complains about the size of the Brittish passengers, considering that Clevelanders ranks in the top 5 most obease cities in the US.


Andrew October 12, 2009 at 11:29 am

From Cleveland to Gatwick, a flight takes over 12 hours. They started flying 757's to London this year, 2009.


Etherite October 30, 2009 at 1:27 pm

There's no such thing as a non-stop to Gatwick from Cleveland.


Traytable August 1, 2010 at 10:21 pm

Agree. I call bulldust on this one. Total rip-off Neanderthal Man down to phrases used. It's acopy and paste!


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