Huge & Rude

May 27, 2009

in Portly Stories

I was about to board a flight from Atlanta to San Francisco, when a obscenely FAT (is there something beyond morbidly obese?) woman rudely cuts in front of me, mumbling about her being “disabled.” As a polite Southern guy, I just let it go, figuring it would be easier for everyone if she got on first instead of side-swiping everyone on her way down the aisle.

While we were heading down the jet way, I noticed a horrible stench… obviously this huge woman wasn’t able to wash herself properly! I’m talking about old sweat, BO, and let’s just say an uncontrolled “feminine odor.” It was so bad, I stopped and let her get further ahead of me.

As we very slowly went down the aisle – very slowly mind you, she had to squeeze between each row of seats – I suddenly realized that she’s stopped at the row I’m seated in. I thought to myself: “Please God, let her be seated on the other side!” No luck, she had the aisle seat and I was seated in the middle seat.

As I’m getting into my seat, she tells the FA that she needs a seat belt extension, raises the armrest (she would never have been able to sit there with it down) and sits down. I’m not kidding when I say that her thigh was resting on top of my right leg. Covering it. EEWWW! I begin fervently hoping for a massive sinus infection to protect me from her smell as I begin to plot how I will ask for a change of seats, knowing it’s a full flight. Then I wonder how I’ll be able to take the STENCH for a 4.5 hour flight with this woman sitting on top of me. I MUST get out of this seat!

Luckily the window seat was never taken, so I pushed her thigh towards her, extricated my leg and quickly moved to the window seat, firmly lowered the armrest just to have something – anything in between us. I turned on the air jet over head in an attempt to get some fresh air, which barely helped.

When the meal service came (this was back in ’98) she had to use the meal tray in the middle seat!

It was truly a long and disgusting flight. It was surreal.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Hugh May 17, 2009 at 7:18 pm

This is one of my biggest (pardon the pun) pet peeves in flying. if you are too large for a single seat, you should be REQUIRED to purchase two seat, or the airline should at least assign you two seats. how they expect people to sit with someone too large like that next to them is beyond me. Also, it seems liek a safety issue. i sure wouldn't want to be behind her trying to exit in a hurry.


Rob May 27, 2009 at 6:07 pm

The number of morbidly obese people today is not natural, and anyone who disagrees is ignoring reality. Processed, fried, fatty foods make fat people (most of the time). Also eating 16X a day makes fatty people.

My humble suggestion would be to have everyone step on a scale with their luggage and be charged extra if over a certain amount.

Do you know that smaller planes have actually crashed because the old standard average weight used by pilots was under by about 50 pounds per person?

I consider it a huge (no pun) safety issue that airlines trying to be PC have continued to ignore.


Kyle April 1, 2011 at 9:32 am

Yes the airplanes weight was focused at the back which caused its nose to pitch up to high and crash.
North Carolina
Charlotte Douglas airport
Air mid west (US Air express) Flight 5481
Its on Natgeo aircrash investigation
Cause too many fatties, and there mutated fatty suit cases.


Laura Cardwell May 27, 2009 at 8:50 pm

Hambeast that smells like vag…I want to feel sorry for her, but I feel sorrier for you, OP.


Atari May 30, 2009 at 7:46 pm

YOU are a good writer, OP. Excellent story, told in a hilarious fashion. Your use of vocabulary was genius. (Extricate, for example)

Let's see– morbidly obese. *Whips out dictionary and thesaurus*

Repulsively corpulent?

Disgustingly Dumpy?

Matronly Abysmal?

Fantastically Rotund?

That last one I like because it's rather humorous in that it indicates that a person is so incredibly fat that it's actually engrossing to look at.

Which makes me think that a mere Adverb proceeded by an adjective is not enough.

We need a whole SENTENCE to describe the terrifying girth of a person so sickeningly obese that it, for a moment, may beggar description.

I hope I've helped. ^_^


Kara June 8, 2009 at 1:54 pm

If a passenger boards a plane and is too large to fit in a standard seat, they should not be allowed to take that flight unless they can purchase two seats together. It just needs to be an FAA rule.


Chrissy June 17, 2009 at 7:40 pm

Almost every airline has a rule that they can require someone to purchase an extra seat. However, in a time where people can sue McDonalds for making them obese, many CSA's at the ticket counters don't properly enforce this rule.


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