Titanic Toddler Creates Tumult

October 23, 2007

in Baby & Kid Stories

I must preface this entire “flight from hell” with the fact that my outbound flight was an average, crappy-style flight. I was scheduled to arrive in Buffalo from Tampa at 8 or so pm. My layover – or should I say over night visit – was in Philadelphia. I did eventually arrive in Buffalo and over-enjoyed a close friend’s bachelor party.

The next day I was tired, hung-over, and in a generally bad mood. What a great day to fly! I arrived to the Buffalo airport in the early morning to find my return flight delayed. After about 2 hours of waiting, I did some quick calculations in my head and determined that if I didn’t get on a plane in the next 15 or so minutes I didn’t have a shot at all to make my connection. I inquired with the travel-agent-computer-typer-bad-news-giver-lady to see if she can do anything to help this situation. She offers an alternate flight to Atlanta, but she cannot guarantee that I get from Atlanta to Tampa. My response…whatever…Atlanta is closer to Tampa than Buffalo…has to be quicker…right? I get to Atlanta on time, get a seat on the next plane to Tampa, all is right with the world.

Well, I get bumped from the first flight to Tampa…and the next one. Third time’s the charm, and at the third terminal I am guaranteed a seat to Tampa. The plane should be arriving shortly I was told. I wait….and wait….minutes to hours…hours to days…days to years….well…no…but when all’s said and done…we are to depart at 2:00am and arrive in Tampa at 3:30 am. Awesome, what else could go wrong?

We begin boarding, and I walk down the aisle searching feverishly for 42B. Momentary relief, no fat guy, but middle seat, last row, no reclinability, total bummer. I’m the first to sit down in my row, so I get to watch as all the people parade down the row, and again I find divinity as person after person sits in rows other than mine. Fat guy goes to 28A. Possible terrorist into 33C. Smelly looking old lady stumbles down into 40E. Finally average looking lady slips in next to me at 42A. Could be worse. The cabin appears to be secure. Could I have struck gold? No one in the aisle seat….the aisle seat is mine?!

But alas, I had thanked the heavens prematurely. Down comes a lady clutching several rather large carry-ons. Wait, the one isn’t a carry one…it’s…oh no…a baby…no worse than a baby…a toddler. But…this toddler is not ordinary he’s huge. Not like fat huge, or like cute huge. He’s just like huge huge. Like third grader size.

So our steroid-giant-baby is staring at me during our safety lesson. He’s staring at me while I’m being informed to turn off my electronics. He’s staring at me while I make sure my non-reclinable chair is in its full and upright position, my seatbelt is securely fashioned, and my tray table is in its upright and locked position. But whatever, I won’t be disturbed and bothered by his twilight hours mind games. I’m just going to curl up in between my designated armrests and take a little nap…

“Excuse me.”
“Excuse me. Can I ask you…”
I peek hoping the questions are not being directed toward me.
“Excuse me. Can I ask you for a favor?”
“Uh…yeah…sure…fine.”
“Can you just hold little Dylan here for a second? I just need to…” as she reaches up toward the overhead. Falling short of reaching it by, oh, I don’t know, a billion feet.
“Yeah…whatever.”

So I am passed this Dylan thing. I hold it so he has one of each of his size 11s on each knee and he’s staring – no, glaring – into my eyes. I see his giant cogs working. Meanwhile, Mom is getting up to get whatever it is that is so important as to place her child into the hands of a complete, and quite frankly, irresponsible stranger. She grabs a sweater. A gesture toward me as to say, “just a sec more…OK?” She turns and walks to the bathroom.
WHAT. WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? I am stranded in my seat holding a prize winning pumpkin-child and the mother is gone. Out of sight. I know this, and of course, Dylan knows this. He takes one last wide and evil-eyed looked at me, and proceeds to cry. And scream. And wiggle. And kick. And cry. And cry. And cry.

Have you ever tried to soothe a total stranger’s incredibly large, evil baby at 3 am on an airplane? No? Me neither. No idea how to do it. So Dylan cried. For 5 minutes he cried. And people began to awake. Another 5 and people attempted to murder me with dirty looks. Another 5 and people got out of their seats to see what’s wrong. Another 5 and people are offering me advice, toys, money, anything to shut Dylan up. Anything. Why Dylan? Why won’t you shut up? Oh…that’s right, you’re sitting on the lap of a total stranger and your mom is no where to be found.

Alleluia, the mother returns. And as soon as Dylan sees Mom…silence. Dead silence. The water works stop. And he looks at me, glares, and smiles. Oh boy, Dylan, I could just kill you. Mom comes over. Looks at me. Picks up Dylan. Sits back down. And then nothing. Yeah, that’s right. You heard me…nothing. MOM DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING. No thanks. No thank-you. No gracias. No nothing. Oh my. There is going to be a murder. Now it was my turn to glare. And I did. Until big Dylan and Mommy-no-manners got off the plane. If you are out there Mommy-no-manners, I just have one thing to say to you: “YOU’RE WELCOME!”

Signed, Ex-Babysitter

{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }

Anonymous April 3, 2008 at 1:27 pm

l-o-l. shame on mom, but still funny

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Shaylin July 29, 2008 at 9:46 pm

Oh my god. I hate children so much…it's fantastic when their parents are even worse….

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C.B. July 30, 2008 at 10:52 am

This is one of my favorite stories on here. It is too funny! But I think that parents need to be 1000% reponsible for thier brats on airplanes. I would have said, NO WAY to that lady.

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guest April 11, 2013 at 3:17 pm

I agree that parents need to be responsible. I have 2 kids and flew with them when my daughter was only 18 months. If she hadn't had the personality that she had, I'd have never done it but I knew her and she slept the entire 3 + hour flight. People even commented as we were disembarking (deplaning? whichever) that they didn't even realize there was a baby flying. Here's my point, I agree emphatically that in no way would I have agreed to hold that kid. It's not that I don't like kids but people are frickin' nuts these days and I'm not putting myself into a situation where they can blame you for something afterwards.

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sexygal May 19, 2015 at 11:36 pm

Absolutely! Don't ever put yourself into a "situation" where people can blame YOU afterwards, regardless of whatever it might be! If they don't "cotton to it", too bad, so sad for them!

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Brittany August 11, 2008 at 8:29 pm

I so feel your pain here. My sister used to give me that evil look when mom would go upstairs leaving me (a teenager)to watch my 4 year old sister. Worse, whenever I tried to stop her antics, she would scream and mom would be mad at me. NOT FAIR! luckily, angie's older and mom has her deciplined better.

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holly larsen March 5, 2009 at 4:55 am

Maybe next time you won't do "quick calculations" in your head while hung over.

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Anonymous April 2, 2009 at 9:25 am

Nothing pisses me off more than stuff like this. I feel your pain. Thanks for the laugh though. I was cracking up reading it.

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JT April 2, 2009 at 9:35 am

Hey Shaylin! It's a shame your mom didn't feel the same way!

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G. April 2, 2009 at 9:50 am

This is really bad. I am sorry that irresponsible parents give people the idea that all parents and all children are crappy. That is not the case.

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Please April 2, 2009 at 10:12 am

Stop with the tired old "shame your parents didn't feel that way" line and go take care of YOUR kids.

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Stephanie April 2, 2009 at 10:20 am

This is awful. The mother behaved terribly. But I'm wondering, how was she supposed to use the restroom? If Dylan was that big, there's no way he'd fit with her in the tiny bathroom. She should have called a flight attendant and explained her needs and asked how to proceed.

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Allison April 2, 2009 at 10:25 am

You should be a comedy writer.

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zebra April 2, 2009 at 10:28 am

Very well written!

Why she offered her son to a complete stranger- who could have been a pedophile or whatever- instead of asking a FA was just irresponsible.

The situation could have been so much worse, too. A person like her wouldn't hesitate to sue for some liability quivel had something happened. Yikes.

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mouthomighty April 2, 2009 at 11:01 am

@ Stephanie:

um who the heck cares what the mother was supposed to do when she used the bathroom? That was not his responsibility. That was her problem. He did her a favor & the least she could have done was to say thank you. That big fat baby thingy could have & should have went to the flight attendant. I mean, why would you bring a oompaloompa on a plane anyway??

RFLMAO this story is hilarious. Heard about it on CNN but had to read it for myself.

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Anon E Mouse April 2, 2009 at 12:04 pm

OMG, this is hysterical! It could have been a comedy skit on SNL.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'll be chuckling about this one for days.

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Anonymous April 2, 2009 at 1:42 pm

Totally agree with zebra – I would NEVER hand my kid off to some stranger on a red-eye.

And I wonder if that kid really wouldn't have fit into the bathroom with her – isn't the airplane bathroom where people join the "mile high" club? Not me, of course, but theoretically couldn't 2 normal-sized adults wedge in there? Sit him in the sink, for heaven's sake!

As an aside, I recently took a flight with my 7-month-old and had to wear her in a carrier in the plane's bathroom. Not comfortable, but possible and RESPONSIBLE.

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Whiney kid April 2, 2009 at 2:23 pm

Hey JT why don't you keep your opinions to yourself.

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sexygal May 19, 2015 at 11:50 pm

WHY?!!? That's how we "learn" abt people–from their "opinions"–for example!!!! I, for one, absolutely LOVE reading what people "think" and their many, varied, "opinions!"

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The Ballsagna April 2, 2009 at 4:08 pm

This was a great read, very well written! Horrible situation but you handled it well. I would have taken the "get as drunk as humanly possible and pass out" route myself…but then again I fly way too much.

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Is April 2, 2009 at 4:18 pm

OMG I have not laughed that hard reading a story in a long time! So funny at the same time aggravating that the Mom didn't say anything to you. Kudos to you though for trying with the child and not just sitting him down on the seat unattended like many selfish adults would have.

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Leah April 2, 2009 at 4:23 pm

You are such a great writer–and a great sense of humour abt the whole thing, too! Thanks for the laugh!

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Collin April 2, 2009 at 7:23 pm

That's a funny story dude.

You should have sold the kid on Ebay right away.

Oh, and you were still hungover at 3 am the next day?!? Lightweight.

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laura April 2, 2009 at 10:51 pm

o my goodness, you're writing skills are exceptional! quite funny

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Shakti April 3, 2009 at 1:51 am

I'm a girl and have had people do this to me too, which makes me wonder. I guess they think we are honored to help, and in a way I don't mind, but in a way I do. Of course the person should be asked and then thanked profusely!

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Jill April 3, 2009 at 7:25 am

I think Dylan's mom is really at fault here. She should have asked the flight attendant and not a fellow passenger. I would never trust a random stranger to watch my kid – even a few minutes on the plane.

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Former F/A April 3, 2009 at 7:25 am

Oh, HAIL!! That was the funniest and most awful story ever! Myself, a former corporate flight attendant (commercial is brutal)can SO relate to this. God bless you for not killing baby HUEY.

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Aidan April 4, 2009 at 11:04 am

What a great story… I can't imagine someone just handing a total stranger a child, then leaving for any period of time. I feel for you… that experience does sound like a complete nightmare. Funny kid though, would have loved to see your face during the extravaganza, haha

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FlyingParent April 5, 2009 at 7:05 am

Finally, someone who can post about a bad situation with a sense of humor.

Kudos for being a good sport.

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Joe Mama April 8, 2009 at 6:54 am

Heh… this story cracked me up. "Possible terrorist into 33C." LOL. "Steroid-giant-baby." Double-LOL.

It would have been funny if you'd have said something like, "I'm sorry, but due to Megan's Law, I'm not allowed to be with children." What the hell, dude, she's never going to see you again so who cares if she thinks you're a pedo? At least you wouldn't have had to hold Dylan the evil monster baby.

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Genius? April 8, 2009 at 10:50 am

Joe Mama…I think you've given me a great idea. I wonder if the next time I have a child next to me, I could tell the parent this exact thing causing said parent to ask the FA to move them or to move me. I wonder if pedos get any kind of special "seating" treatment.

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devon April 11, 2009 at 9:57 am

that was hilarious..I could totally picture the scene in my head. nothing is grosser than fat little kids.

I probably would have held the kid too, just cause im too much of a pushover to say no, but, man the fact that she didn't even say thank you…wow..what has become of the world. Really though, she should have asked a FA for help.

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Anonymous April 15, 2009 at 11:00 am

LMAO "No Gracias." That's hilarious. You are much better than I am. I would have seated the gigantic "baby" in his mother's seat and simply monitored him until she got back. There is no way I’d be stuck holding a complete stranger’s gigantic child just because fate decided to seat us next to each other on an airplane.

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Socially Inept April 20, 2009 at 1:02 pm

Wow, what an irresponsible mother! The kid, however, behaved as I'd expect any normal kid to behave.

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Laura Cardwell May 27, 2009 at 8:23 pm

That is too good. Luckily you made humor out of the situation instead of acting all bitchy and entitled like so many of the other posts on here!

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Atari May 31, 2009 at 7:46 pm

Your use of believable hyperbole was absolutely hilarious! Excellent read!

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Hercules July 30, 2009 at 8:32 am

I would have said no, and then bitched the lady out when she returned for the kid making noise. God I hate parents…

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The Alchemist March 4, 2010 at 8:51 am

Why wasn't the kid in a car seat in his own seat? Everyone on the plane should have their own seat, then problems like this wouldn't arise.

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jojoagogo July 7, 2010 at 5:59 pm

I'm just relieved he didn't poop in his diaper while he was plunked down onto your lap!

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College Kid November 3, 2010 at 10:48 am

I like your style. please post more

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Mabel June 3, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Hilarious! I would have put him in the seat. Very rude of her to just run off like that, and then not even say Thank you. If he was yelling that loud, she had to have heard him from the bathroom if they were in the very last row. Idiot mom.

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Nick November 30, 2013 at 2:22 pm

This post and the comments spawned the perfect response: "Parole conditions prohibit contact with children." No need to elaborate that those are typical conditions for a paroled sex offender and not necessarily the average person wanting a quiet flight; simply a statement that the ignorant could misconstrue to my advantage….

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Michael September 4, 2014 at 1:34 pm

"Possible terrorist into 33C."
"So I am passed this Dylan thing. I hold it so…"
HAHAHA

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