A few months ago, I had the opportunity to fly US Airways to DC. Nothing much happened on the outbound from Boston, apart from us getting stuck to the tractor and the slow mechanic, but that was a stupid little thing.
The inbound home was much, much worse. We boarded at National, rather uneventfully. I had had some water at the airport, and felt like I needed the bathroom, but it was too late in the jetway. After boarding, we proceeded to sit at the gate as a woman was reseated no less than six times in eight minutes. She “can’t leave bag” at her old seat. It turned out that she was two rows up, and I would have made some “Shut the hell up and sit your ass down” comment, but she was about 97 years old and disoriented. And I had to pee.
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard US Airways Shuttle Flight 2044 to Boston Logan International Airport. The FAA has asked us to remind you to remain seated for the first 30 minutes of the flight, until we clear DC airspace. Thank you.” This was followed by a low budget recorded safety briefing. Thirty minutes of a 55 minute flight. I really, really had to pee.
After takeoff, the nine people in 1st class were served drinks, and we were ignored by the friendly FAs. By now, it had been about 30 minutes, and it hurt with every movement. I unbuckled my seatbelt, when “Ladies and gentlemen, from the flight deck. We are beginning our descent into Boston. We will be on the ground in 20 minutes. Please stay in your seats.” I muttered curses at the FAA, and tried not to think about waterfalls.
We arrived in Boston, and after quickly thanking the crew, I was going to bolt up the ramp to the men’s room. But, alas, I was blocked. A woman couldn’t figure out how she was to drive her suitcase, and I reset it 8 times in three minutes.
By the time I was in the bathroom, I felt like I was going to explode. You would think that there would be a line, or a weird dude, or something so inconvenient you would set a personal record for “F-bombs dropped in a minute,” but there wasn’t. The airline was fine, and I recommend it, but don’t drink anything before your flight. Save your time and $7 for a shot of beer on the plane.
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Suggestions for Improving Air Travel
April 29, 2011
in Flying Hell Commentary
Dear Flyers:
As known today, the flying public’s decency and manners has plummeted. This is this case for nearly all ages and genders. Babies who cry and scream, seniors who think they own the place by bossing younger generations around such as having them lift their suitcases and ignoring others or causing discomfort, to kids who kick seats (as well as scream), to the fat and obese flying population whose fat oozes into all the seats.
So firstly, if you are fat there is a solution: Get a diet, show some self motivation, and if you choose not to, well then other people have equal right to deny you oozing into their chair. Now as some people have actual problems (as in medical problems), then if you choose to fly it is your decision to buy an extra seat. If you cannot (e.g. plane is full), try to ensure the comfort of a fellow passenger by showering (very well) and wearing dry crisp clothes and taking your time as this will help you not sweat as much and lower the BO levels and make people at least comfortable being very close to you. Secondly, don’t eat so much on the plane as if it is going to crash and that you need to store fat until the rescue workers come. Thirdly, at least have common courtesy towards your seat neighbour; people will be much more forgiving and understanding.
Parents of annoying kids (aka brats), you are just as bad as the kid. If you are a good parent you can succeed in keeping your child quiet without the use of violence (though in some cases it’s necessary). You may help by being prepared by bringing snacks, games, or even tiring him out (if you have no idea how to tire him out, make up a punishment such as making your kid run around the house for a solid hour before the flight). If you do not then it is your responsibility and you and your kid will face angry passengers wanting to burn you on a cross.
Seniors: You are old, face it. You are not going to be able to lift a 50 kg carry-on bag, so only pack the essentials such as a phone, medicines, money, and so on (if you can’t reach then that is a different matter). Secondly, when you go to the bathroom don’t fall asleep in it; once you’re finished leave and go back to your seat. Thirdly, if you need to walk about for medical reasons do so, but if you are interfering with others then try to be more considerate.
Finally, seat kickers: Firstly it is MY seat, not yours. And “I” CHOSE how I treat my seat, not you. If you are unhappy that I am taking up too much of your space, be diplomatic and civilized (not to mention the most basic “act your age”); don’t start kicking. Judge the situation and first try to lower your own chair back, and if the chair is broken lie back. Ask the person in front to move it up a little and explain why; if they are uncivilized call a FA. ONLY as a LAST RESORT do you kick their seat, and don’t be a wimp about it – I mean pound their seat.
P.S. All the flight attendants who think they have power over the flight, yes I admit you do but please try to remember you are here to attend to us, not to threaten to throw us off the plane because we asked for a drink. Plus we don’t ask for much, only a meal and a drink. In the event that there is a special problem with seating, just try to swap them with an empty seat (let’s be honest, you are not going to be punished, hurt, or injured and that your decision makes a big difference to the passenger), or try to imagine yourself in our position, thank you. Plus who thinks they have too much power?
Signed – Kyle
Tagged as: children & babies, flight attendant, odor, portly, seats, senior citizen
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