Advice Offered On How to End Up On This Site

October 4, 2014

in Flying Hell Commentary

Just to have a little fun, I figure I’d share a few common sense pointers on how to increase the likelihood of having one of your flights end up on this website (or have someone else complain about you here).

1) Don’t bathe within 24 hours of your flight. In fact, go ahead and do some labor-intensive activity prior to your flight like shoveling cow crap or re-plumbing some sewage lines, and then head on over to the airport. Don’t bother with any deodorant, either. That stuff just tends to sting the pits, doesn’t it?

2) Departure times for flights are like movie showtimes. You can generally just show up a couple of minutes before or right on time, and shouldn’t encounter any problems. Worst case, you are the last one on-board. Who cares if you walk through the safety announcement, it’s just like finding a seat during movie previews. You are all going to the same place anyways! And don’t pay attention to some of the glares you will get; other people are just angry that they decided to show up a couple of hours ago to, you know… check their bags. Their loss!

3) Make sure to stop and get something to eat before you get on board, too. Something like an old tuna fish sandwich with questionable quality mayonnaise should suffice. Perhaps an egg salad sandwich that you left in your car for a few hours? The tastier and more pungent, the better. You want half of the aircraft to know that you are eating good for the next 2.5 hours.

4) If you have kids, planes are the perfect place for you. Basically, you can treat any aircraft like a big daycare center and let others help parent and watch over your kids for you. Take advantage of this opportunity and get a nap in. Your precious angels should be in good hands while you catch up on some Z’s. If possible, go ahead and get your kids booked in their own row. And if your kids decide to misbehave, either by whining, crying or kicking other people’s seats, lucky for you that most people on planes are tolerant and in generally stellar moods.

5) Encounter a problem? The most tried and true advice I can offer is to YELL. And if that doesn’t seem to tip the scales in your favor, YELL LOUDER. Remember, the weather is MOST DEFINITELY controlled by the airlines. Or maybe those people in the tower. Also, remember that all gate agents, flight attendants, pilots and airport workers aren’t humans. They are cold, emotionless beings that can feel no pain and experience no pleasure. They also are incapable of being hurt by your comments. So go ahead and add some personal quips in there while you berate them. The more insulting, degrading and outrageous your comments are, the more likely you are to have your problem resolved.

6) Bringing some luggage? Who isn’t? Make sure you buy a jumbo-sized he-man ULTRA suitcase from Wal-Mart. And since all airline luggage fees obviously go straight to hedge funds used to promote puppy-kicking and manatee-slapping organizations, do the right thing and carry that behemoth on-board. Flight attendants, concerned passengers and general common sense will tell you that your luggage can’t fit in overhead bins or under the seats in front of you, but TO HELL with that. These colors don’t run!

7) Is your flight delayed? If so, don’t ask… DEMAND compensation. It doesn’t matter if the airport is surrounded by a wall of tornadoes; make sure you get what YOU DESERVE. Don’t accept anything other than at least 10 free flights on the airline, because HOW DARE YOU WAIT 30 minutes. Your time is precious, and can’t be wasted sitting in an airport lounge.

8) If you have some big “love handles,” well then you have climbed yourself to the top of the food chain and deserve to creep into the seats of “lettuce-lapping” passengers who don’t have the gusto to gorge themselves like you do. In fact, airlines should start offering thrones to people in your honor who clearly are enjoying their position as kings and queens of the food chain. If anyone complains, slap them with the turkey leg you packed in your carry-on. They should thank YOU for the extra warmth you are providing.

9) If you are an elite-global-premier-executive-ultra-mega-gold-silver-platinum-uranium-royalty-emperor-deity card holder with whatever airline you tend to fly, make sure EVERYONE knows of your status. This includes all gate agents, flight attendants, passengers, children and citizens of the city you’re departing and arriving at. As the ONLY person with this type of superior credentials, you should be bathed in praise from the moment you enter the airport until the time you can get home and your family can pick up that task. If any issues arise, just mentioning your status as the pharaoh of frequent flyer programs should immediately prompt the airline to personally book you your own aircraft to the destination of your choice. If you sense any hesitation, remind the airline that you provide them 99.8% of their business, at a minimum, and will gladly take it elsewhere.

10) Lastly, understand that when you book your ticket, you have purchased an aircraft and have the power to decide all things related to that plane. When it boards, who boards, where everyone sits, what you are allowed to do, when it leaves… these are all questions that you have the authority to answer definitively. As you have likely spent a few hundred dollars on your ticket, you have earned this as a passenger. If anyone treats you less than the hero that you are, make sure to reference the above points to swiftly remind them of your status among human-kind.

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Sonnenblume Madchen October 6, 2014 at 10:09 pm

I get that this is satire and all, but I get really annoyed when people say things like, "passengers who don’t have the gusto to gorge themselves like you do". You don't know if that person with "love handles" is ill, or what kind of meds they might be on (many cause severe weight gain) or anything else about their life or situation. What's actually unfortunate is that airlines don't make seats larger or have more room between rows because they want to fit as many people into their flying tin cans as possible. Is it the fault of someone who is tall that they have longer legs than the average person? It's genetics and sometimes so are "love handles".


Chris October 18, 2014 at 1:55 am

I'll agree that we have no idea how or why people are the way they are. Could be genetics, could be meds, could be a number of things. Whatever the cause may be (their fault or not), I think the point is just to have some consideration despite whatever may be plaguing them.

For example: if I've got a disease that causes me to vomit every hour on the hour, even though it's not my fault, it falls on me to manage that and make sure I don't disturb the people around me on flights. If that's getting an aisle seat in a row by the toilets, that's what that means. Same thing goes for people who are overweight, no matter how it happens. If you can't fit into one seat without seriously encroaching on a neighbor, then it's time to buy a second seat. It may not be your fault that you are in this condition, but it's not the person next to you's fault either.

I sympathize with people who have issues with weight, but there are a lot of people out there that deal with issues too (anxiety, depression, digestive diseases, epilepsy, etc). Everyone has to find a way to cope or deal with issues and fit in with the world they live in…not have the world mold to their problems. That's where we get stories on this website.


lucyfur August 13, 2016 at 7:24 pm

seems you are one of those overweight obese self-centered a##holes that make my life
miserable when flying… TAKE A BUS.


Hov October 8, 2014 at 9:47 am

“Slap them with the turkey leg…” = best line ever!


Sonnenblume October 8, 2014 at 11:37 am

Jackson Five, you must be so disappointed that the moderators deleted your insightful comment before the world was allowed the pleasure of reading it. Being a faceless Internet troll must be fun.

While I may or not be a "fat b*itch" as you put it, I am careful whenever I travel, either by air or train, to not impinge on the comfort of others around me. Whether that means making sure that my child is not a nuisance or that I keep my body parts on my side of the armrest; even if it means that I'm sitting in an uncomfortable position for the entire flight. I don't even recline my seat.

Hope you have a nice day and that the next time you fly you get to sit between two lovely fat b*itches.


xxrjxx October 14, 2014 at 4:14 pm

With all due respect, not everyone who is larger than the norm follows your sense of consideration, either in seat space or parental awareness. Otherwise, they wouldn't be the subject of so much airplane story derision.


Sonnenblume October 14, 2014 at 5:09 pm

I don't like when people make sweeping generalizations. Not every overweight flier is a jerk who takes up all the space without concern for others, maybe they're just a jerk regardless of size. Same with kids on airplanes, I've been on plenty of flights with kids who aren't loud or running around and kicking the back of seats. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen, just that it doesn't always happen. My last flight I was constantly kicked by the adult behind me and it wasn't because my chair was reclined. I figure he just couldn't get comfy because he had legs (which airlines seems to forget most humans have).

Humans love to complain and that's the whole point of this site. Just don't kid yourself that what you read is a representative sample of the thousands of daily flights.


lucyfur August 13, 2016 at 7:26 pm

Thanks for warning me — will have your picture committed to memory to avoid you in the future…..


Chris October 18, 2014 at 2:26 am

"Just don't kid yourself that what you read is a representative sample of the thousands of daily flights."

I think that's the point of this site. Most people's flights are fine in that they leave on time, arrive close to on time, they get their luggage when they arrive and the people around them are generally decent and considerate human beings. The fun in this site is that you get to read about some really weird experiences that aren't the norm.

If this site's story database represented the norm when flying, I don't think this site exists at all. We'd just all understand that we were in for hell every time we decided to go flying. Wouldn't that suck!


Sonnenblume October 18, 2014 at 10:05 am

Chris, I totally agree with both of your posts, obviously, the point of sites like this is to tell stories about extraordinary experiences that people have had. However, you don't have to hop on a plane to realize that human beings in general can be rude, overweight, take up all the space, act entitled, bring kids they don't properly supervise, or assume somebody else is going to clean up their messes, etc. anywhere there are people.

I just don't like sweeping generalizations. If everything the OP wrote is true then why do we even need anymore new stories? They have encapsulated the world of flying in one post. The Internet can be shut down now.


Michael L.S. December 31, 2014 at 4:22 pm

Oh, Sunshine, give me a break, will ya. Yes, a few of the obese people have genuine conditions (I piled on the pounds when I had to have a knee surgery and couldn't do my long walks and cycling), but the OVERWHELMING majority are fat because they (1) eat sh!t, (2) eat too much sh!t, and (3) don't move their ass enough. No, it's not "genetics." No, it's not a "slow metabolism." No, it's not "glandular problems." No, it's not "depression." It's the three reasons listed above, period. And if they (you?) had the willpower to address comprehensively even only ONE of the three, they WOULD lose weight and they WOULD look like normal human beings in no time. So spare us the excuses.


lucyfur August 13, 2016 at 7:29 pm

Hip Hip Hurray for your most welcome and factual post… You Go Man….


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