Circus Freak Show

August 20, 2008

in Passenger Stories

Welcome to the freak show, fellow passengers. Here’s the circus I’ve seen – people are what makes flights from hell…

Passenger #1 – In the bulkhead – takes off his shoes, then proceeds to use the wall as some sort of foot scratching pad, rubbing his feet on every surface he could reach. He was amazingly limber as well, much to the disgust of the rest of us behind him.

Passenger #2 – Yes, we all saw you picking your nose and wiping it on the seat.

Passenger #3 – You were given a napkin, use it. But hey, if you want to exchange your pretzel and nut crumbs on the side of the seat with the previous passenger’s boogies, feel free. I just hope you don’t do the same thing when you’re using the toilet.

Passenger #4 – OK, you were the 4th person to use the bathroom, and yet when I use it and pump the soap dispenser, I find out that it’s still twisted shut. And people wonder why I don’t like to shake hands….

Passenger #5 – Wow, I’m lucky to be next to you. A smoker, I see. The fact that you felt it necessary to marinate in an ashtray after being picked off the floor of the bar bathroom like a hyena rolling in zebra guts – is that just a little bonus for the rest of us who actually showered so that you can completely negate our efforts to be a hospitable seatmate? Why yes, I am turning all of the air vents to you in the vain hopes of not picking up your rancid, rotting scent.

Passenger #6 – Ooooh, you’re soooo important. Just so you know, when I get off this plane, I’m going to follow you, take your cell phone, and beat you with it. Can you hear me now?! I realize you think that everyone really needs to hear the dealing & wheeling you’re doing and that everyone on this plane is here to serve you – and that the rest of us are just too common for you to even acknowledge with a polite “hello” when you sit down, but let me assure you – we don’t care. As a matter of fact, we hope that wherever it is you land, your wife is waiting with your bags packed and drops you off at a hotel by yourself, and that your boss tells you that you’ve been canned….and that you have to turn your cell phone in.

Passenger #7 – Bin space? Why no, I don’t need any bin space. By all means, take your neatly folded overcoat, jacket, briefcase, gift box of chocolates, carry-on luggage (too large to fit short-side in) and newspaper and put it in the overhead. No need to account for anyone else! Oh, and no one is in a rush, either – feel free to take 20 minutes doing this. And if you wouldn’t mind, could you clear your throat and give a self-important grunt/cough as you read the paper during the entire flight so that no one can sleep or have a disrupted thought? Oh, and tilt your seat back…more….a little more….there, perfect! No one behind you needed to have any sensation in anything below the knees.

Passenger #8: – Can you count? Really? Are you sure? Well, perhaps you would know that seat #35B is not directly behind seat #7A. Sure, the airline industry is full of tricksters, but the last time I checked, they didn’t rearrange the seat numbers for the sheer joy of it – they are still in numerical order. So, you don’t have to slowly make your way down the aisle, stopping and clutching at each and every seat as if you were playing duck-duck-goose (grabbing the unsuspecting head or hair of passengers as you do such), counting aloud the seat numbers and checking it against your ticket as though it would magically change.

Sigh….I fly too much.

{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }

Shakinthefat October 18, 2008 at 6:05 pm

You definitely did not stay at a Hoilday Inn Express.


Stevie j October 30, 2008 at 6:41 pm

Reminds me of the folks who can't enter the plane w/o first looking f/ the seat numbers. Seems to me one would instinctively know Row 1 is in the front. I just don't understand the need to verify that before you can proceed toward the higher numbers.


msms December 4, 2008 at 10:53 am

Wow, how's your blood pressure?


mike r December 15, 2008 at 6:18 pm

Hey Shakinthefat………….nice post, yet again! What's your point re: Holiday Inn, the topic was PASSENGERS.


Nicole April 2, 2009 at 9:42 am



KP April 2, 2009 at 10:02 am

Thank you.


Heather April 2, 2009 at 10:17 am

Loves it!


Bruno April 2, 2009 at 10:58 am

Looks like you were in a mission to write a story on here…you even knew the passenger seats…

you are such a DRAMA queen..grow up!


Anonymous April 2, 2009 at 11:03 am

Chillax" Bitch


Ummmm. April 2, 2009 at 11:25 am

I think I would really, really hate you.

Because the only thing worse than all those weird people is the one who fixates on them this much.


Allison April 2, 2009 at 11:29 am

I feel like perhaps we have been on all the same flights. I remember each of those people. Well, except passenger #1.


Anonymous April 2, 2009 at 11:49 am



Denim April 2, 2009 at 11:50 am

Re flying too much, no lie! 😀


jag April 2, 2009 at 3:10 pm

try reading instead of minding everyone else's business. your probably writing about yourself.


debi April 2, 2009 at 3:45 pm

Well, I did enjoy your writing style. And I also know you are venting after holding in these annoyances. But I do hope this is a one time deal otherwise you are a type-A individual this is due for a stroke.


Anonymous April 2, 2009 at 5:33 pm

I've seen all but passenger 1. lol! Pass. 2 is usually a lil' kid.


Chris April 2, 2009 at 6:16 pm

Number 8 made me laugh


Alex April 2, 2009 at 6:16 pm

You definitely fly too much! So do I, which is why I'm laughing so hard at this. To everyone who thinks the author is the weirdest, I disagree. After too much air travel, sometimes I find the best entertainment is not in my book or on the TV, but is watching the other hominids struggle with simple manners and common sense.


ls April 2, 2009 at 7:04 pm

one of my favorite things about flying often is the amount of odd things I see people do, perhaps their own little flight routines. and i've seen all of these except for #1…


Collin April 2, 2009 at 8:30 pm

That was definitely a well written and entertaining story. You are quite the bitch/douche bag though. Build a bridge and get over it.


kevin April 3, 2009 at 1:34 am

Personally, I ignore passenger 1-8 and go straight for:

Passenger #9: So, you're a college aged woman traveling alone? You've already had a few drinks but you're ready for more? You probably didn't brush your teeth today, but that's ok, were gonna skip the foreplay anyhow. She is talking about something… but all I can hear is boobs. I glance at my watch, we are 4 hours behind schedule, but i don't care. I am chatting with passenger #9 instead of focusing on the rest of the passengers which are 95% retarded.


Anonymous April 3, 2009 at 6:18 am

Funny again, Kevin! ^5


Tarmaie April 3, 2009 at 6:29 pm

I fly way to much as well. Vent well deserved.


Rob April 3, 2009 at 9:28 pm

Passenger #9. is the one who thinks their bundle of joy (from 1 month – 18 years) should be inflicted on everyone else. Noise, smell, kicking or pulling at the seat in front.

Passenger #10. The person who fails to show modesty while giving you the full crotch or ass shot as they slide past you. I know it's hard to do, but even the most basic attempt to say 'excuse me' so I get a warning before it happens will usually suffice.

Good post. We could keep this going for a while.


Aaron April 4, 2009 at 11:10 am

I hate #6.


Joe Mama April 8, 2009 at 11:08 am

"She is talking about something… but all I can hear is boobs. "

LOL!!! That's the funniest thing I've read all day.


Sharon April 8, 2009 at 8:22 pm

Passenger # 11 – Perhaps you didn't notice I was wearing headphones and reading/crocheting/watching a movie and wasn't in the mood to talk for 4 hours? No, I don't want to know what happens in Chapter 12, or how the hero wins the girl by the end of the movie. Did I mention that I am just beginning to crochet and not really qualified to teach you right now.

Passenger #12 – Just because I am traveling alone does not mean that I want to hook up with you in the Lav. You're just not my type and I don't date married guys anyway.


Shannon April 15, 2009 at 7:46 pm



Atari May 31, 2009 at 9:44 pm

Great, but the best part was the comments, as mentioned:

"She was saying something, but all I could hear was boobs."


Best Story on this s August 4, 2009 at 9:13 pm

Wow , you def fly too much. I don't know how you can stand after passengers 1-8. But this was so funny. It's not weird It's called situational awarenesss. No. 5 had me rolling, "Why yes, I am turning all of the air vents to you in the vain hopes of not picking up your rancid, rotting scent."


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