Blow-By-Blow Account Of Passenger’s Behaviors

December 7, 2009

in Passenger Stories

The following is an e-mail I received from a friend, written on her Blackberry moment by moment on a JFK-LAX flight. Poor thing.

Center seat – fatty on one side, smelly on the other.

Smelly: nail biting, zit squeezing, furtive nose picking. Why furtive I don’t know wen all other manner of disgusting is not. Shoe on my side of seat which I wud put up with if he wud just go to SLEEP. Which is what he did for 10 min b4 we took off. When I thought that I was lucky.

Fatty: fat, armrest hogging and asleep.

Someone has peeled an orange. Seat mate bites a nail off and wipes it on his jeans.

When he gives up on furtive picking I page the flight attendant and order a Mohito “Mixer” and a shot of Vodka. After I’ve paid and she leaves I discover that she brought rum. It figas. I drink it.

It’s not as good as xanax, but it’ll do. His nail biting is now virtually painless. Then he picks his nose again.

If only I cud figa out how to put a xanax in his next drink.

According to the satellite map we are not yet halfway. He taunts me by leaning over and trying to sleep but wakes up.

He picks his nose and eats it.

We play a game. He inserts his finger in his nostril, I look over, he pretends he’s chewing his nail. Because that’s so much less disgusting.

I’m dressed way too warmly for this flight. For some reason the usual flight chill hasn’t set in. Heat radiates down my thighs.

At least the fatty has fallen forward and covered the window with his head so my screen’s more visible. Wen he wakes and moves back in his seat I ask if he can screen the window but it’s jammed.

In the meantime smelly picks his nose and wen I turn and catch him at it he surrenders the armrest in penance.

I am not certain but it seems he inserted his hand in his pants and then smelled it. A bit later he smells his hand again.

He flicks his tv to what I’m watching – an Obama press briefing. Proving that even smelly, nose picking, d@#k smelling teenagers support the president.

An hour outta cali he has decided f@#! it and picks openly. I pull out my phone and equally openly photograph him. He stops.

This is gonna b the way it goes. I’m gonna die in a plane crash while holding this guy’s hand.

When the steward comes by I order a bloody mary.

As we land he finally gets around to squeezing his blackheads. There was some picking going on earlier but this is more committed.

His final act before we land is to reach into his armpit, smell his hand, then pick his nose with it.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

david December 7, 2009 at 4:21 pm

first that is dusgusting, however its not nice to call people names like fatty, would she/he like it if we called them chubby? or balemic? bitch? na i dont think they would like it

does he/she not realize that your not allowed to send messages or have the phone service on, if its a new phone it must be switched to flight mode


Cheran December 7, 2009 at 8:32 pm

Most likely the phone was in flight mode, he/she composed the email during flight, and then sent it after landing.


Demotage December 7, 2009 at 4:54 pm

Hear-say is not admissible in court. However, it is admissible here! Ewwwwww.


booger December 7, 2009 at 10:57 pm

the gratuitous fatty took away from the story but the rest of it gave me a laugh.


Hugh December 8, 2009 at 12:21 am

Sounds like this person was WAY too interested in the goings on of her seat mates. When I fly, unless it is blatant, I try not to notice or pay attention to those on either side, unless they are atravelling companion. This mental case needs to bring a book or something…talk about OCD,


Mick December 16, 2009 at 10:37 am

Uh, when you're travelling coach, it's pretty hard NOT to notice the doings of a seat-mate, Hugh. Unless you're severely vision-impaired….if I'd been in this situation, I'd have requested – no, demanded – another seat. And I'd have no problems whatsoever in detailing why I wanted a different seat – loudly and clearly.


Josh December 8, 2009 at 4:04 am

I'd like to see the journal entries of fatty and smelly from that flight

"Immature kid between me and another guy. Kid keeps typing away on his phone. Just read what he wrote. It's true, kids are d-bags these days. They never learn any manners from their parents. This kid also has terrible grammar.

Great now he's drinking. I hope he passes out so he's not constantly staring at me and the other guy."


Cam Tompkins December 8, 2009 at 6:44 am

This is the place to vent; seeing who you're defending speaks real good things about you…


Josh December 9, 2009 at 10:54 am

These people didn't act with any malice or intent to be rude or mean to this kid. For him to pick and prod at their weight or hygiene level is rude as I am sure anyone could pick out a hand full of things about him that they find particularly annoying.


ps December 8, 2009 at 6:54 am

The text generation needs to discover this radical creation that can be found at numerous places… they're known as BOOKS… you open them and READ them, which creates at least some modicum of isolation as you actually get ABSORBED INTO WHAT YOU ARE READING… Listen, I agree that was a hellish flight but if the flier is doing nothing but observing every gross occurrence and recording it in her crackberry she also has an issue or 2..


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