Vodka Cures All

July 6, 2009

in Food & Drink Stories

So it is important to point out what kind of person my friend and I am. We hate people sitting between us on a flight. We will actually fake a cough to try to get people to not sit between us. Well this was a SW flight and we thought it may be empty since my buddy got a low B ticket and didn’t check in till the day of the flight. We were looking forward to sleeping on the flight home. We were flying from Vegas to Chicago. In the last three days I had had about 12 hours of sleep and my buddy had about 6. I hadn’t stopped drinking the entire trip but decided to not drink in the airport so I was kinda getting a hangover.

The flight is almost fully boarded and still no one between us… then a flood of like 7 people board the plane, we’re screwed. One is a hot chick, yea we aren’t that lucky, just in front of her is a mother with a child. The mother is about 250 and that’s probably being nice, the kid looks about 50 pounds and about 4 years old. Well they walk over to our row and ask if the seat is taken… I consider saying yes, but instead give her a stare, and say no it is not. I roll my eyes and under my breath say “OMG I hate kids.” The people in the row next to me see my situation, the guy grabs three free drink coupons and hands them to me and tells me I need them more than him, guess I’m not done drinking. The girl on the other aisle says that she is a mother and we could switch. I immediately say no that’s fine, more shocked by the fact that she is a mother. She is hot, and about 22, I find out 24 later on.

The kid who barely fits in front of his mother starts kicking me, over and over and over, the vodka cannot come quickly enough. Then the mother allows the kid to write on the safety handouts for the plane, the kid is literally scribbling over what to do if the plane crashes. In order to help him destroy the pamphlet the mother decides that lowering the tray onto her stomach is a good idea, its not like the kid’s leg wasn’t already resting on mine between kicks. I am 3 vodkas in at this point. I seriously think I got kicked about 100 times and the mother never said a word to either of us or her child.

I keep looking over at my buddy to see if he is enjoying this as much as I am but he appears asleep, later I find out he just had his shades on cause the sight of the mother and kid made him want to kill them.

About 90 min into the flight the mother finally gets up to change the kid who probably took a poo about 5 min into the flight. I take the chance to grab a 4th vodka. When I am back with the stewardesses they offer me the vodka for free and tell me I can chill in the back of the plane with them until the seatbelt sign comes on. I converse with them for another couple of hours downing free vodka while my buddy is sitting in the window seat enjoying the company of the mother and her child.

He later asked where I had been, I told him about my free vodka, he said that sounded good. It was 12:00 am in Chicago and we went to the bar to black out and experience more fun stories to tell. But this website isn’t called stupid drunk married women.

{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }

GottaLoveIt July 7, 2009 at 1:14 am

I can’t help but think that everyone involved in this story is a complete waste of groceries.


Hugh July 7, 2009 at 1:41 am

if you hate people sitting between you, there are ways to avoid it…

1) Sit next to each other

2) Book first class.

3) Buy an extra ticket

You aren't entitled to 3 seats for 2 people, unless you buy an extra ticket. You and your buddy sound like assholes. It is not the fault of the mother that you guys were out partying and not sleeping in Vegas. I also doubt your story, a 50lb child is WAY too big to sit on a lap and would require their own seat. You need to get alife in more ways than one.


Iloveflying February 17, 2016 at 7:38 am

Exactly what I was thinking! But another thing, I don't remember 4 year olds being able to lap sit on airplanes.


Laura July 7, 2009 at 3:13 am

Another proudly obnoxious drunk passenger.

I don’t like kids either and would do the same thing minus the bitchy passive aggressive muttering about hating children.


SAW July 7, 2009 at 2:48 am

Drunk infantile barely post-pubecent "boys" have the tendency to exagerate.

I think the best possible result here is what I can only hope happened after the midnight bar trip in Chicago – vomiting, and a DUI or two.

As for any girlfriends (though I much doubt a couple of buffoons like this would be anything BUT loud-mouthed virgins with inferiority complexes) who might be reading this.. GET OUT… GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU CAN.


ihateyouall July 7, 2009 at 5:28 am

LOLz. I thought it was just my story that was getting assholes making fun of me, but nope. A good amount of the people here that comment are just calling people babies or telling them to go in first class. The website is call flights from hell you idiots, people are going to bitch.

Oh and to clarify… i fly SW, so open seating, and about 50% of the time you dont get anyone sitting between you if you are not on a full flight, there is nothing against dreaming of the perfect situation. The kid WAS 50 pounds, that is the best part of the story. He was bigger than my neice and she is like 30 lbs.

I think the last sentance of the story may be what pissed some of these people off LOL, but it was a great story to follow with drunk married women.


mvd1i July 7, 2009 at 6:22 am

I'm still trying to figure out who experienced hell on this flight. I figure it was the mom traveling with her child who had to sit between two drunk cretins oozing asinine self-righteousness.


ihateyouall July 7, 2009 at 6:55 am

Haha. Seeing my buddy pretended he was sleeping and I was only in my seat for an hour with a loud kid and being kicked im pretty sure it was worse for me, the smelly diaper didnt help either. The only comment I made, probally want heard by her anyways. I never said another word other than vodka tonic please the whole flight until i left my seat. I am sure it was a horrible fight for her. Poor her.


Jeanie July 7, 2009 at 7:13 am

Some people have a flight from hell. Some people cause them. The OP falls into the latter category.


MJ July 7, 2009 at 9:45 am

Wow, grow the fuck up, douchebag. If you want three seats for two people, buy three tickets or fly an airline that doesn't have open seating. You can't fly SW and then complain about someone sitting in the empty seat next to you.

And I do love how men think that they can accurately guess women's weights.


ihateyouall July 7, 2009 at 4:29 pm

Definitly all my fault for being kicked cause a grossly overweight woman with a 4 year old on her lap was kicking me.

WTF is peoples problem with me prefering no one in the middle seat. I didnt turn anyone away from the middle seat it is just preferable.


Amber May 19, 2016 at 8:11 am

Lap babies are limited to the age of 2, the average size of a 2 year old is 25 lbs, even a large 2 year old would not likely surpass 35 lbs, get over yourself and your entitlement. You are what is wrong with society today.


MJ July 7, 2009 at 7:17 pm

I'm pretty sure no one said it was your fault. Defensive much?

And our "problem" isn't with you preferring no one in the middle seat, but rather with the fact that you bitch and moan like a whiny little baby when someone does happen to sit there. That's not a flight from hell. It's the reality of flying.


Anomia July 8, 2009 at 7:06 am

You're an idiot. There's no other word for it.


OldBillsMom July 9, 2009 at 2:17 pm

Good Lord I've raised children who didn't whine like this!


anon July 9, 2009 at 5:23 pm

One reason you are getting a lot of negative comments is because you objectify women. I personally can't stand it when men look at me for more than a couple seconds. I am a person, not a sex object, and I do NOT like to be ogled. WOMEN ARE NOT HERE TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. Ugh. I can't stand men like you.


Alpha Male July 17, 2010 at 5:25 pm

Surely you are joking. What other possible reason is there for women to exist if not to make men "happy"?


ihateyouall July 10, 2009 at 6:29 am

" I'm pretty sure no one said it was your fault. Defensive much?"

"Some people have a flight from hell. Some people cause them."

Yep im defensive, or you are just a fucking idiot who cant read.

Objectify women… WTF are you talking about. I said two girls were hot, one was fat, and i ran into some drunk stupid married woman at the bar. At what point did I tell any of these people to go get in the kitchen or say their looks were all they were good for.

And no shit this who thing is complaining. Every fucking story on here is complaining. Are you fucking retarded. Like seriously, do you wear a helmet or something.


MJ July 10, 2009 at 3:04 pm

Oh, boo-friggin'-hoo. ONE person said you caused it. And when you start off a story with "So it is important to point out what kind of person my friend and I am," you should be surprised more people haven't blamed you.

You're still defensive and still an asshole. I, however, am neither of those things, so who cares if you call me an idiot.


Jeanie July 11, 2009 at 4:48 am

IHYA… obviously, you rode the short bus to school. Take your meds.


Pal July 12, 2009 at 11:23 am

Our lives must have no joy as we are urging over things that have no efect on our life.


Sir Cool July 14, 2009 at 2:56 pm

I would've done the same thing except I would have made my way to the galley area much sooner than vodka 4. Good show, sir.


poco July 16, 2009 at 12:50 pm

A fifty pound four year old who still craps its pants? Doubtful.

If you didn't want anyone sitting next to you, you and your buddy could've sat together. Southwest does have open seating after all.


S.M. July 21, 2009 at 9:26 am

Ummm open seating and you or your friend didn't just switch seats and sit in the middle?? I doubt very much that a woman with a kid is yearning to sit between two other half drunk guys in a middle seat. Then the other person offers to switch and you again don't move seats. I'm thinking that half the "hell" of your flight was self inflicted.


K August 13, 2009 at 11:03 am

I think the story is hailrious and laughed at several parts through it. I feel your pain, man. We've all been there.


stayawino October 27, 2009 at 8:31 am

i wish you lots and lots of vodka, an unlimited supply so that you continue to drink and do the world a favor by getting cirrhosis or any other type of hepatic disease… and eventually die.


Rofl October 27, 2009 at 10:25 am

The comments were funnier than the actual story posted. You should all feel slightly silly for arguing with and insulting the poster of the story. Don't get me wrong, the guy sounds like a bit of a douche, but I guess many people here have yet to experience an inconsiderate mother that happens to be obese sitting right next to you on a flight. The fact that this guy didn't say something worse means that he has some form of control that, for instance, the poster above me does not.

@everyone who commented (included myself): We should all be ashamed for this commentary of a most likely made up story.

@stayawino: Such a shame that you you posted that. Suggesting that the poster is better off dead really sheds some light on who you are as a person. Forgive me if I'm being overly harsh, but by posting that you gave any intelligent person the assumption that you are not very smart and lack any form of emotional self control. I suggest you grow up or maybe take some time to reflect the seriousness of death and wishing it on someone.


stayawino October 28, 2009 at 2:57 am

Well for defending an idiot to make up a such a story for whatever reason, hey why not, I wish you the same as I do for him. Hope you make it a double and cheers!


Kath December 8, 2009 at 1:41 pm

Free vodka and you hung out with the stewardesses for most of the flight. Excuse me, where's this supposed 'flight from hell'?


GR February 6, 2010 at 12:53 pm

There haven't been Stewardesses since 1973.

Passengers over two years of age are required to have their own seat.

Just because you're flying Southwest does not preclude you from purchasing that third seat. I appreciate you pointing out your personality at the beginning of your post. This enabled to me to see you as a douche from the very beginning.


Howie Feltersnatch July 17, 2010 at 5:32 pm

Call those surly bitches what you want and it still doesn't change the fact that they are merely waitresses on a plane. Now fetch me a drink and try not to spill it on yourself, stewardess.


Ihateyouall May 5, 2010 at 11:36 am

Not fake

I am sure they asked the 4 year old for an ID to verify his age.

Okay the first half was a flight from hell the rest was just pretty cool.


Amber May 19, 2016 at 8:17 am

Considering you are required to prove identity when checking in to a flight, yes they asked the mother for proof this child qualified as a lap baby. That means it was no older then 2, so no where near 50 lbs. If you exaggerated that much of the baby's weight you're also likely exaggerating the mother's weight and every other detail in the story. Meaning, you got your panties in a bunch for having a mother and lap baby sit in the middle seat you and your buddy chose to leave open. You probably didn't get free drinks either, more likely tried to complain and got told to STFU.


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