Travel Ideas For Demon Spawn

May 2, 2010

in Baby & Kid Stories

To the “parents” of the screaming infant aboard Northwest 20 from Tokyo to Minneapolis on Sunday September 7, 2009:

On behalf of the other 390 people aboard the flight, we thank you for bringing your demon spawn on board with us. Why the hell would any adult, in their right mind, want to subject an innocent baby to a ten and a half hour flight?

Oh, I suppose you wanted to expose the little crumbsnatcher to a different culture, different foods, perhaps some kabuki theater or a sumo wrestling match? Or perhaps the trip was to expand the tyke’s palette… and you wanted him to experience the nuanced differences between strained Kobe beef and the Gerber’s strained beef? Was the little bugger just begging for some AUTHENTIC sushi?

Well, next time you and the mouth breathing baby daddy get such a brilliant idea, it might be wise for you to be better prepared and bring along something to pacify the cute little beast. None of us could sleep, thanks to the ear splitting screams of the fruit of your loins. Screams that persisted for seven or eight hours of the flight. My girlfriend and I couldn’t decide which was more annoying… the persistent solo scream sustained for several minutes at a time, or the Tourette’s-like staccato yips and hollers that punctuated the cabin throughout the flight?

For the love of God, and for the benefit of others who may be flying with you next time… LEAVE THE KID AT HOME! Or, better yet, here are some other alternative travel ideas:

Spend a few extra bucks and fly first class with the screaming baby… try offending a group of people who spent some real $$$ on an already expensive flight. There’d be such an uproar, the plane would be re-routed and you’d be booted off in short order.

Take a ship. That way you can have the baby scream out its little lungs in the great outdoors.

Talk with your pediatrician before flying next time. Maybe the pediatrician can recommend something to calm the kid down during a long flight.

Airlines can be more proactive in these cases too. How about cordoning off a “baby only” section on planes and sealing the section off with a door similar to the one used for the cockpit? What about handing out free “noise cancelling” headphones to passengers who want them? How about designated flights restricted for people aged 12 and over?

Worst. Flight. Ever.

Thanks for letting me vent!

{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }

Jane May 2, 2010 at 1:40 pm

Cue "why don't you take the ship"/pro baby-on-flight propagandists.


Patty May 2, 2010 at 3:55 pm

I AGREE 100%!!! I hate it when I'm stuck next to children that aren't mine for hours at a time. I'm a grandma now, but even that hasn't mellowed my annoyance at other parents letting their kids run amok.


Susan May 2, 2010 at 4:12 pm

I agree with some of what you said, ie: parents should talk to pediatrician first, any means to pacify baby should be tried, a "babies only" section on plane is appropriate. However, you come across as an arrogant, spoiled rich boy on the usual frequent vacation with the girlfriend complaining about a baby whose family may have had, unlike YOU, NO CHOICE in bringing him aboard the plane. Maybe they were moving. Sorry, but there just aren't that many slow boats traveling the seas these days for regular passengers.


Tim May 2, 2010 at 5:36 pm

I'm sick of reading comments from people who make excuses for these selfish parents who will not take the most basic steps to control their brats and THAT is the cause of the problem. Such behaviour would not be "acceptable" in a restaurant, in a cinema, in a theatre or even in a McDonalds. It sure is not acceptable on a plane.


Susan May 2, 2010 at 5:41 pm

Tim, since you seem to know so much about babies, why don't you tell us how you would control a two month old "brat"?


Tim May 2, 2010 at 6:59 pm

I do not have to justify myself to you BUT I did take a 4 month old baby daughter from UK to NZ non-stop 35 years ago and I do not recall her making a peep at all and that would be because we actually prepared for the long flight and did not expect everybody else to put up with OUR problem child. I bet that is more that you have ever done. so dont try and lecture me.


Tim May 2, 2010 at 7:06 pm

I also took a one month old baby from Auckland to Bangkok last year as a favour for a friend. I took my niece who is a nurse and midwife with me and she made sure the child was settled throughout. It is possible to keep babies quiet in-flight, it just takes a bit of planning and consideration for others to actually do it. Making excuses for people who cannot be bothered and cause misery for hours for many others is NOT good enough. If your kid is a screamer and you let it go on and on, then expect to be criticised.


Stephanie May 3, 2010 at 4:58 am

I as well took an infant and then later (same kid) a 14 month old on a flight from OKC to Seattle.

The only issue I had was (this was back in the 80s) the *looks* I got because Robert was a breast fed baby and even with full modesty, blankets and nursing shawls, well it was obvious (if not seen) I guess because of 'those looks'.

My doctor recommended feeding at takeoff and landing for the ear issues. It worked beautifully for him if a bit uncomfortably for me.

As for the toddler experience? games, toys, entertainment "hey look out the window at that" … in short paying attention to the child instead of just expecting them to be miserable.

My son has flown many times still loves to fly btw — some 26 years later.


Jay January 24, 2011 at 11:52 pm

Have you weaned him yet?


iloveflying September 7, 2015 at 1:25 am


Alina August 17, 2011 at 10:44 am

My mother used to entertain us through all of the flight when we were younger… all flights about 12 hours long (visiting her family in Mexico). She never slept unless we were asleep, she never watched a movie, she was constantly focused on us.
We never cried.


Sabrina May 3, 2010 at 12:46 pm

One word:



Max May 2, 2010 at 8:19 pm

Hate to be an antagonist, but Susan just got burned to a crisp.


Amanda May 3, 2010 at 3:03 am

It's true. Props to Tim.


Susan May 3, 2010 at 7:57 am

I am feeling pretty cool right now. I have thirteen children including 5 adopted ones so the rest of you "experts" need a little lesson in humility. I have taken them on flights before at all ages and have never had a problem with them being noisy or ill-behaved in the least. We always came prepared and the babies and children were always very good, including the time I sat on the tarmac for 4 hours with my 11 month old in my lap. She didn't make a peep. I am sure all of you "experts" are feeling pretty good about yourselves right now, but you know nothing about infants. I was also a neonatal ICU nurse and pediatric nurse before I had children and it is actually quite possible for a very young baby to be in serious pain from colic or ear problems in flight. Not a single one of you has any compassion for a situation like that. But at least your self-esteem is intact.


Max May 3, 2010 at 3:49 pm

I never claimed to have any experience with children. In fact, I'm to young to marry and have kids. I think your "maybe they had to take the kid" argument was legitimate for that situation only. Given the possibility that they may have been moving, it's fine that they dragged their little — child… along for the ride. Otherwise, they could have easily left the little bundle of joy at home.

By the way, being annoyed by a child whose parents refuse to keep it quiet on a plane does not mean that you are an "arrogant, spoiled rich [person.]" It means that you wish parents (unlike you, oh compassionate goddess of parenting) were more competent around their children. Of course, it is a raw assumption that they made no attempt to console the child, but it is an assumption made upon observing many idiotic parents on many flights.

But maybe they were just moving.


Peace Lover May 3, 2010 at 11:28 pm

Susan. You and your herd of rat-children should be deplaned at 30,000 feet. I hate you and them.


Susan May 4, 2010 at 5:52 am

Your hate is not as deep as my pity for you.


Max May 4, 2010 at 8:00 am

What pity? Pity for not having the joy of dealing with thirteen kids? The joy of sitting in a cramped, hot seat with wonderful, happiness-bringing children wailing behind you?

bobbert June 20, 2010 at 8:51 am

there is something deeply wrong with you.

numb3rs March 30, 2011 at 11:42 am

And with a name like that… how contradictory….


Susan II May 6, 2010 at 7:49 pm

Oh, yeah, well I raised 23 foster children, and that's including the 12 adopted Aborigine children, and also I carried 5 surrogate children, and also i adopted a flock of geese and travel with them on the plane, so therefore nobody else knows anything about babies. Yeah. My experience is just a little more advanced than yours. I feel pity for susan because she will never know the joy of of flying with 43 infants all at once. Nobody on earth has any compassion ever and I'm better than everyone.


Bob May 10, 2010 at 1:23 pm

You are so right on but it is definitely a sin to diss saint Susie.


STFU MOO July 14, 2010 at 12:01 pm

So you popped out a litter of crotchdroppings and think that your negligent "everyone else must raise my mistakes" attitude qualifies you as an expert. Please do the world a favor and never bring your beasts out in public because I'm sure they take after you and are demonic little fuckers.


Reasoning_Doubt December 30, 2013 at 1:01 am

So, you are one of these earth mommas? Or, you have no other skills but breeding?


ps May 3, 2010 at 9:45 am

By the way, it's easy to hide in anonymity on the web and make such a brave post. Did you speak to the flight attendant or the parents? Probably not. I usually ante'd up for the business class seat with my kids (lived overseas) but sometimes couldn't due to lack of availability. And my kids travelled like troopers. Their worst offense was reading out loud. While your point is pretty much valid being some weasel that can't man up kind of puts a kibosh on your own venting.


Peace Lover May 3, 2010 at 11:26 pm

I think you all need me to take an axe handle to your colon! I am tired of reading nonsense, and I'm itchin' for an ass beating!


Love It! May 4, 2010 at 12:11 am

Why is it sooo horrible to hate to have to sit through hours of a screaming child? There are very few saints in this world so, yes, people are going to be upset if parents just continue to allow a child to scream for hours on end. Hell, the poster probably should have had them reported to Child Protective Services for neglect…oh, wait international flight…US law be damned!


Aaron May 4, 2010 at 9:16 am

Another reason for infant/toddler sections on planes.


CR May 4, 2010 at 4:57 pm

As the mother of two young children and an active duty military member, your post really pissed me off. What makes you think this flight was voluntarily on the part of the parents? Did it ever cross your mind that the parents of this young child were force to take the flight due to a job related move. It is quite possible this family was in the process of permanently relocating from Japan to the United States. Maybe they should have been more considerate of your feelings/flight and split up their family unit for the 5 or 10 years it would take for the child to reach the maturity level you would deem appropriate to take a flight of this length. As for boats or other means to cross the Pacific Ocean, the military members, for example, do not get to chose how they complete overseas moves and no matter the length of flight, the military is not going to pay for first/business class with your tax dollars. I'm sorry you had a bad flight and you would have my sympathy if you had told me the parents made no effort to calm or otherwise quiet the child. Your sole objection appears to be that babies should not fly. Maybe you should stay home.


professionalbackpacker June 23, 2011 at 4:49 am

We have a right to enjoy our well deserved, hard earnt holiday too, and we deserved to have it in peace. There is nothing worse then a long flight let alone have a screaming kid or toddler kicking and cry.
I think you will find that most people that fly believe the same thing … Kids should not fly and if they do then have a plane for families or for children …. I pay the same amount for my flights as you do…. Next time ill scream and cry for 10 hours and sit next to you and see how you like and enjoy the flight


Laura May 6, 2010 at 3:35 pm

Is it illegal to cover a screaming baby's mouth with your hand? It can still breathe through its nose right?

The OP sounds like a real dick, but I'd be hollering "GOD BLESS PLANNED PARENTHOOD" if I had to deal with that much noise. I regularly fly from Japan to USA and it's never pleasant, luckily the worst I get is chatty military people.


Katherine June 27, 2010 at 7:42 am

CR, thank you for mentioning the military possibility. There are thousands of US service members in Japan and Korea. OP, you clearly need to consider a change in attitude. IF this couple was military and traveling to the States with an infant, it is very possible that this mother delivered her baby in Japan. Do you think she really wanted to have such an experience thousands of miles from family? And do you think she was excited about the prospect of being in a plane with rude, ungrateful people for 10+ hours with a new infant? Probably not, but she probably took your condescending looks and cocky attitude with grace. While it was not fun for anyone on that flight, parents included, to listen to a screaming infant, patience is the least you can offer to a family serving your country and your freedoms. If it was not a military family, there is certainly a reason they decided to fly across the world with an infant. I don't recall you mentioning mind-reading abilities in your original post, so you don't know their reasons. Kindness and patience goes a long way…..

Laura, I'm sorry you consider it to be a burden to chat with military people… That is sad….


Tux November 15, 2010 at 8:52 am

XD XD "CRUMBSNATCHER!" LMAO! That's a new one. If I ever have a baby, I know what their nickname is going to be! 😀


Amber May 18, 2016 at 9:29 am

Babies cry and sometimes there is abso-fucking-lutely nothing that can be done to settle them. Get over yourselves, babies have as much right to fly as you do, if they're seats are paid for and all they're doing is crying, put on a movie and STFU.


Susan May 4, 2010 at 8:46 am

To non-Peace Lover, the pity is bigger than anything you can experience. You can count on it.

Max, we are all different. I am sure that you really do contribute something to this world as well.

Thanks for all the comments. They were, well, interesting.


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