Barbie the Bitch

September 15, 2013

in Seat Stories

I recently caught a flight from Hobart to Melbourne with my husband and our seven-year-old son (henceforth John and Josh, respectively, for brevity’s sake). This flight is generally just over an hour and there’s hardly any worse weather than a stiff breeze to bump us around – however this time, one miserable little cow managed to find a way to make it unpleasant. I’ll call her Barbie, and she was in the window seat in front of Josh. Her boyfriend was in the middle seat in front of John.

While he was arranging his backpack under the seat and rifling through the seat pocket, Josh accidentally bumped this girl’s seat a few times. John and I reminded him to be careful not to hit anyone’s seats, but still we were met with glares from Barbie. Whatever, some people are just grumpy. Sure.

About ten minutes after the seatbelt sign went off, Josh clambered out to attend to the bathroom (nervous bladder), which drew an exasperated sigh and a death-glare from Barbie. She began gossiping at her largely uninterested boyfriend about how “some people should control their kids.” Again, whatever.

To save on buying drinks from the airport and from the cart, we’d stopped by the grocery store and bought a large bottle of Pepsi and some plastic cups to have throughout the day (10am hotel checkout, 5pm flight, it was a long day). At one point Josh wanted a drink, so out came the Pepsi in a plastic cup.

At this moment Barbie decided that our existence had inconvenienced her quite enough and, after “surreptitiously” checking behind her to see that Josh was taking a drink, very suddenly and forcefully reclined her seat back as far as it’d go. I didn’t think it was possible to violently recline a seat, but there we go.

Of course the open tray table knocked his arm and Josh dropped his drink all over said table and into his lap. Nobody likes to have their drink suddenly deposited in their crotch, but naturally for a seven-year-old with a bit of a complex about needing to pee a lot, looking like you’ve wet yourself is pretty distressing.

Before I could open my mouth to tell Barbie off for being a bitch, she looked back, dismissed us with a smug, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t see you there,” put her seat back into the upright position, and plugged in her headphones.

After about five minutes of damage control and wiping sticky bloody Pepsi off his immediate surroundings, Josh and John changed seats. Upon spying this, Barbie very suddenly reclined her seat again, which resulted in John’s knees being all but stuck there. Oh, but she wasn’t done: she hassled her boyfriend into reclining his seat into Josh’s face as well, and when he shifted it back half an inch to placate her, she forcefully pushed it into the fully reclined position for him. Every time he’d start to put it in the upright position again, she’d push it back down and tell him to leave it.

I thought she was done with her bullshit, but the real kicker was that as we were standing behind her in the cattle herd to get off the plane, she loudly said to her boyfriend, “I don’t know why people bring their kids on planes, it’s so rude.”

What a charmer.

{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

NASCAR_Hula September 15, 2013 at 8:49 pm

Rude bitch. She was lucky that firearms are not allowed on planes.

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Regular reader September 16, 2013 at 9:42 am

I'm surprised you didn't shove the seat back up when she shoved it back — quite easy to do.

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Incognita September 16, 2013 at 11:57 am

I'm curious about her 'people need to control their kids' comment–were you supposed to allow your seven your old to piss the airplane seat? When someone's gotta go, they gotta go…sure it sucks in a crowded airplane, but it beats the alternative.

What a bitch.

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Anonymous September 18, 2013 at 2:25 pm

I'd be hard pressed not to have poured pepsi on her face. What a bitch!

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Edward September 20, 2013 at 2:08 am

Honestly, I would've told her off myself.

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Karl September 22, 2013 at 8:07 pm

This boyfriend better look for a new girlfriend. "Barbie' behaving allready like an old hag.

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Ron September 26, 2013 at 10:45 am

Well, I wouldn't have been so kind as all of you. When Bitch Barbie reclined her seat the FIRST time, I would grabbed a handful of her hair, and using it as a rope, pulled her head down in the crack between her reclined seat the the upright seat next to her, stuffed something down her throat (maybe an orange or something like that), then forceably slammed her reclined seat back into it's upright position (with her head still in the seat crack). Voila'….problem solved quick and fast. You have to "nip things in the bud" when they start, not wait and let it fester and get worse. A few smacks across the face might have been in order also. Ya know, to give her that healthy rosey red cheeks look.

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jonasgal February 11, 2016 at 8:30 pm

I "reported" you for your heinous "suggestions!" Honestly, that's downright tortuous!

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Alex September 28, 2013 at 4:36 am

I think I was on that flight

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Anthony October 7, 2013 at 11:11 am

I was about to be on Barbies side but that was horrible. No worries karma can be a worse bitch.

Now that's said parents quickly lose a sense of what having children around happy so long as no crisis is occurring. For those without children they are rarely charming and are especially nerve rattling on a plane. Now I know children can be controlled to such a level as to be indistinguishable from other passengers but in a society where we are just glad if your not raising a thug were happy this is too much to expect.

I don't think we need a "child" and "childless" section but it seems it should be very easy for the computer to keep the children groups in a grouping to minimize annoyances. Other parents are gonna share your elevated tolerance for whining, fidgeting, kicking, screaming, laughing, crying, obsessiveness, turning around and staring, farting, pooping, peeing, other unsavory aromas, food flying around, food stuck to surfaces, food stuck to the child who is staring at you, asking for toys, asking for coloring books, asking for video games, asking if we're there yet, mommy my tummy hurts. Incidentally any offense by your children is completely absolved if you beat them. Try to make sure I can witness it. I'm not a sadist or anything but I sure do love a good parent on child beating.

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Mary October 29, 2013 at 9:58 pm

Well, if she ever has kids, I hope she has triplets and they all have adhd.

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Michael L.S. January 2, 2015 at 8:10 am

"A.D.H.D." is a made-up "condition" designed to excuse poorly-behaved kids and lack of discipline.

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Yo'Mama November 1, 2013 at 10:52 pm

I would have applauded Barbie. Control you filthy child you stupid bitch.

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@RhovanionGirl February 5, 2014 at 12:40 pm

You're trying waaaaay too hard.

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Natalie January 6, 2014 at 7:33 pm

Have a fun time in Hell! Hope you packed your best swimsuit for eternal laps in the lake of fire!

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