Sensitive Stomach Stressed by Stinky Passenger

November 8, 2010

in Portly Stories

Working in Dallas and having family in Austin, I am used to a 3 hour transit period. So when I attended a scholastic logistics competition in Jacksonville and learned that the flight time was three hours from DFW, I thought that the flight would be cake, nothing compared to the overseas flights I had taken in the past. Of course, I was wrong.

The flight in was an uneventful, smooth, even ride with ample refreshments. The competition was awash with the host team winning for the second time, this being the second time they held the event. To console ourselves, the team and I spent the night out on the lovely bar scene on Jax beach. We finished the night with an after-party at the hotel, joking casually about our 8 am flight the next day.

The trip to the airport in the morning was downright pleasant, even though we were sleep deprived. There was still enough residual alcohol in our systems to keep the party going; it wasn’t until we sat down to wait to board that the full effects of the hangover sat in. To attempt to rehydrate I purchased an overpriced vitamin water, some kind of pomegranate lemonade.

The flight boarded and I volunteered to sit separately from the group as our flight was booked solid. I had my favorite book and a MP3 player with some good tunes, so I figured everything would be alright. I even had a window seat which I figured could allow me to try to catch some precious sleep.

And that’s when I saw him.

Like most other stories on this site, from the second I noticed this bloated excuse for a human I dreaded the idea that he might be my row mate. I watched in slow motion as he forced his fat ass between each row of seats as he was wider than the aisles. My heart as well as my already sensitive stomach sank as he sat next to me and I caught a whiff of this man. The smell sent my stomach in knots with the pomegranate lemonade churning. It would have been my hypothesis that this man ate nothing but sauerkraut for the time he was in Jacksonville, and most likely had not showered either. His girth spilled over into my seat as he took the middle space. His fat locked both armrests in place and managed to creep into about half of my seat. I had to lean on the window the entire time to avoid making constant contact with him. The full effects of the hangover set in as the flight started.

For three hours I battled nausea and discomfort, the hangover mixing with the odor of this monstrosity that should have died from heart disease some time ago. The only saving grace was the tiny jet of air that I could point directly at my face. The flight was spent reading little bits to distract myself and trying not to vomit.

We touched down and I managed to escape the tiny seat, a fresh case of scoliosis acquired from leaning away from the blob. My professor, who had escorted us on the trip, offered to drive me home to keep my girlfriend from having to pick me up at the airport. Now, despite my professor being a retired Air Force officer and tenured professor at a leading Texas university, he drives a ’96 Honda Del Sol. It was a cold day and we had the heater on, on and off, on and off, as the car was so tiny it would be unbearable after 2-3 minutes with the heater on.

The pomegranate lemonade in my stomach was still present, and it wanted out. As I asked my professor to turn on the A/C, it decided that it wanted out of my stomach NOW. Somehow I managed to keep my mouth shut and swallow back down the mixture of pomegranate lemonade and stomach acid. The look on my professor’s face was priceless as he realized he almost had a worse day than me.

Not as bad as most of the stories on this site (and entirely self-inflicted), but I’ll be damned if I ever forget that flight from hell.

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

David November 9, 2010 at 12:21 pm

While sitting next to a large person may not be fun

Neither is sitting next to an obnoxious, rude, drunk college student

Reply

TacoDave November 9, 2010 at 2:41 pm

Unless she's cute… 🙂

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david November 9, 2010 at 8:15 pm

no, then its just as bad and probably more creepy

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College Kid November 19, 2010 at 9:51 am

yeah, im a guy. Also I hardly see how leaning away from someone while quietly reading is rude.

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ps November 20, 2010 at 3:47 am

How dare you lean and quietly read! Have you no sympathy for the weight challenged??!!

Reply

Brownstain November 10, 2010 at 1:32 am

Attention Fat Stinkers.

There is an airline that caters to your bloated asses.

Fat Bastard Airlines has 40" wide seats and an Airwick infusion system to keep you from smothering each other as you fart and belch through the skies.

A 20 gallon deep fryer assures that you will be able to maintain or even increase your girth during your flight.

Soda is only served in 1 liter bottles, and water or diet soda is verboten.

So next time, please stay with your kind, and fly Fat Bastard.

Reply

rerere November 10, 2010 at 10:03 am

lol

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Allen November 11, 2010 at 2:23 am

What the hell is a "scholastic logistics competition?"

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paul November 11, 2010 at 10:56 am

Great story. I had a fat guy like this, exact same situation, try to PAY me for the aisle seat…. the only thing worse than this situation is to see IN THE MIDDLE seat in the same situation. The entire plane witnessed this guy reach for his wallet as I stood up…at the time the amount I was thinking was probably $5k more than he wanted to spend..it was going from Vegas to Tampa, nonstop 😉

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Troy November 20, 2010 at 7:18 pm

He didn't do or say anything abnoxious or rude. Large people themselves are very abnoxious and rude if they expect other people to endure such discomfort. I recently saw a large woman try to equate "Fat peoples rights" with the Civil Rights movement of the 1960's. And yes, she was serious.

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Stephanie November 20, 2010 at 7:57 pm

Fat peoples rights? We're really at the end of our pinnacle as a civilization aren't we?

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David December 6, 2010 at 4:35 am

I am a tool.

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