Kid Violates The Law Of Physics

London to Washington/Dulles, 1995. I was flying back home from a tour of Ireland with my mother. There was a chubby and hyper kid in the seat in front of us who would not stop moving for the entire 8 hour flight. We could hear him talking to the flight attendants and the passengers around us, telling them that he is a UMOC (unaccompanied minor only child), and in a snooty voice that his parents sent him to boarding school in England because the schools in America weren’t good enough. To make matters worse, he kept wanting to turn around and talk to me. I refused to interact with him for most of the flight.

We were seated near the wing, and in mid-flight I got up to go to the bathroom in the back of the plane. I don’t know how this happened because it apparently violates the laws of physics, but this kid was in his seat when I left, and when I arrived at the bathroom he was laying on the floor back there, rolling around like a fool! Maybe he had a twin, I don’t know, but that would contradict his declaration of being “unaccompanied” and an “only child.” How he pulled that trick off remains a mystery to me 14 years later.

Anyway, near the end of the flight, being worn down by nearly 8 hours of nonstop hyperactivity, seat bouncing, and badgering, I agreed to converse with him, and even mess with him a little. He said “My name is Stuart, but call me William, I prefer it. What’s your name?”

I looked at him sternly with a straight face and tried to think of an intimidating-sounding name that wasn’t my own, and in a gruff voice I said “JACK!” But that did not deter the boy, who then proceeded to tell me all about how he has to go to school in England because American schools were no good. My mum laughs at this story to this day, and when it was happening needed all her strength to keep from laughing when I disclosed my fake name.

Tagged as: children & babies, unaccompanied minor