Stinky Hippy

April 4, 2009

in Odor Stories

I was on a red eye from San Fran to Hartford. The plane was packed but I happened to have the only row that wasn’t full (or so I thought). As the gentleman 2 seats next to me and I looked at each other, happy that we wouldn’t be 3 across for a red eye, the stewardess began announcing that the doors were closing. I started thinking that this was finally my flight. That is when our row mate came barreling down the gateway. Let’s call him Stinky Hippy.

At first I thought it wouldn’t be so bad, he looked like a small guy, the middle seat would fit him fine. I thought I could just lean against the window and fall asleep, wake up in CT. Then the odor came. BO mixed with some sort of vegetable. I couldn’t figure out the veggie smell till he sat down. As we are taxiing down the runway, Stinky pulls out a plastic bag with 2 containers in it. The first one contained vegetarian curry noodles, whatever that is. The second was a cilantro, corn salad. I almost vomited on the spot.

So here I am trying not to breath while SH is chowing down on food that I wouldn’t allow my dog to eat. “OK, the food is almost gone and soon he’ll be asleep.” I only wish it was that easy. After Stinky finished his food he decided to stretch out and “prepare for his rest” (his words). This guy actually got out of the seat and stretched in the aisle. The stewardess had to ask him to get out of the aisle.

SH back in the seat starts to fall asleep. As I mentioned earlier, he was smaller than me so his head was below mine. As he falls asleep he starts to lean towards my shoulder looking for a resting spot. That’s when I notice the grease. This guy hasn’t washed his hair in weeks, maybe months. I freaked! I elbowed Stinky so hard he woke up and yelped. “Sorry, nervous reaction.” So that took care of his leaning towards me. The guy on the outside, not so lucky. He leaned on him as well. Unfortunately for my aisle friend he was already asleep and didn’t get the chance to elbow SH back off his shoulder. Eventually Aisle Man woke up and freaked out, told hippy to get off and stop leaning on him. As for me I stayed awake the entire flight due to the panic attacks that came every time I closed my eyes thinking that SH was leaning on my shoulder. It was like camping with your girlfriend when she swears she hears a bear unzipping the tent. Complete unrest.

Luckily for me the stewardess noticed my dilemma and offered some wine cheese and crackers throughout the flight. When the flight was unloading SH decided only when it was our time to get up that he would pack up his book and allow everyone behind up to get off first. “Pack up your stuff and get going or I’ll rip your face off.” He got the message. I love San Fran, but Stinky, if I ever see you again. I may drag you outside, cover you in detergent and hose you down, then pry open your face and stuff a steak in your throat. You imposed yourself on me, now it’s my turn.

Signed, The Guy Who Hates Stinky Hippy

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Hugh April 22, 2009 at 1:04 am

You had me on your side until you threatened to rip his face off. You went from the victim to the jerk at the speed of light.

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Julicans April 22, 2009 at 4:36 am

I agree with you Hugh

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Nacho April 22, 2009 at 4:48 am

Times three. As a vegetarian, especially at the steak comment. Some soap, fine, but don't dare tread on a person's dietary lifestyle, or I'll "rip your face off." 😛

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Onslow April 22, 2009 at 7:07 am

I agree with you, but I think you could have told him to get moving in a less harsh manner.

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Mike April 22, 2009 at 7:39 pm

Hugh,

Who are these people making these comments? There's probably friends with SH. I live in SF and these types try to jam this crap down my throat all the time. I would have kicked him in the groin, and left him in the aisle.

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Jess April 24, 2009 at 3:56 pm

I agree with Hugh completely. I just took a flight where I had to spend the entire time with my nose buried in my 7-month-old's hair so that I didn't gag on the smell emitted by the SH chick next to me. However, I would never have lowered myself to the point where I threatened her. After all, I never have to see her again.

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Hugh April 27, 2009 at 6:42 am

It would have been one thing to mention that he didn;t want Sh leaning on him due to cleanliness concerns, or even to tell him that he was in ahurry, and needed to get off right away and couldn't wait for everyone to de-plane. Threatening someone, though is wrong. Do that to the wrong person and you may end up hurt or in jail, especially on a plane.

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angryfeet May 21, 2009 at 10:44 am

Seriously, I don't blame this guy a bit for threatening him. We're all human, and we all have a tolerance limit. He was reasonably polite and accepting throughout the whole flight, only to have the SH delay him by refusing to get off the plane when it was their turn? I'd be pretty pissed too. Threatening someone certainly isn't the ideal way of handling the situation, but it's very easy to be holier-than-thou on the internet.

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Anonymous May 21, 2009 at 6:08 pm

mmm … curry and noodles. off to the kitchen for me.

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