KLM

I never upgrade. This isn’t because I’m cheap, but because I’m broke. My fiancée and I are in the middle of immigration hell and immigration hell costs, so while others may be able to choose that option, I can’t. That said, I sometimes wish I could…

This has resulted in hellish flights, but this time took the cake with hellish connections. My mother graciously gifted me some of her Air Miles to fly from Saskatoon to Manchester to visit my gal this past Christmas, but these Air Miles bookings are always worse (and definitely different) on the itinerary than they are just 5 minutes previous on the phone during booking. Oh, and no seat selection. Boo.

As it turned out I was booked to fly on Air Canada from Saskatoon – Toronto – Copenhagen – Manchester. Ugh, not looking forward to this, but…

Saskatoon – Toronto was uneventful. In coach where it’s always cold and the leg room is sparse.

Toronto – Copenhagen was the unmitigated shits. It was one of those enormous air bus things (seated 3 – 4 – 3 across the cabin) and I was smushed against the cold window with a smelly dude with body overflow in my seat. They have to get the luggage balanced juuuust right on those things I’m told (but I’m probably naive and there’s some other sinister reason), so they dicked around with it for the better part of an hour.

My connection from Copenhagen to Manchester was already tight, but this made it worse and I missed my connection along with 6 other people. Someone directed me to the transfer counter where some paper-saving jerk behind the counter put me and a strange man on the same transfer ticket. At this point I was tired and dizzy from not being able to sleep or eat much (I’m a Saskatchewan girl and paying $8 for a burger is NOT okay).

What this meant is that we were forced to go to the transfer counter together and explain the situation. First it meant a huge hassle at security as they wanted to know why it had worked out that way and why it had been handwritten in red pen. He called some woman over and she proceeded to SCOLD me like a small child. I asked her politely to please not scold me as I hadn’t done anything to provoke it, and she proclaimed that I had a “bad attitude” and stormed off. I didn’t understand the point of my ticking off, but the other guy and I managed to get through.

At the KLM ticket counter, however, the guy who was sharing my boarding pass turned into the most absolute raving asshole I’d ever met, telling the people who were trying to help us how bad the service was, how he was some Starpower Special Snowflake Card Holder Extraordinaire and he was going to have their asses in slings blah blah. The first agent put up with him for about 3 minutes before telling him he had a “bad attitude” (I agreed with her, actually) and refused to serve us. The next agent had already printed MY boarding pass when the guy started in on her about the crappy service, etc. Even though now I was REALLY tired and snapped at him to shut up, she took away my boarding passes (MY boarding passes!) and refused to serve us. By the time the third agent came around I turned on him after getting her attention and gave him a stern, “Shut up and let me handle this,” and managed to politely navigate her towards my already-printed boarding passes and got it into my hands.

I didn’t see him on my flight to Amsterdam (rerouting HELL) nor did I see him in Manchester, which was his final destination. I don’t know what happened to him and I don’t care. All I know is that, rounding the corner to my gate with minutes to spare with my boarding passes in hand, I was 5 cities, 4 countries and 29 hours gone and soon to be spoilt within an inch of my life. Flights from hell can elicit the BEST sympathy from the one who loves you best!

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The Gift

September 12, 2010

in Delay Stories

Airplane travel, at one time adventurous, has now, more often than not, become an adventure. Fifty years ago, well dressed passengers in propeller driven planes flew close enough to the ground to enjoy a panoramic view “of purple mountains’ majesty above the fruited plains.” The earth below was close enough that, through the airplane’s window, one had a bird’s eye view of the routine activities of mortals below, working or playing and unaware that their activities were being scrutinized from above. Flying into a large city at night, low over interlocking neighborhoods, passengers were treated to a high definition visual of millions of twinkling lights stretching to the horizons as the airplane approached a metropolitan airport. Smartly dressed young women served food and drinks with efficiency and a practiced smile that added to the pleasure of the experience.

Alas, progress has once again spoiled a good thing. Today, hundreds of casually dressed travelers are crammed into a space computerally engineered to determine maximum capacity at minimal levels of comfort. They are flung about the world at heights at which gods were once thought to dwell, without the benefits afforded to the gods of viewing their fellow mortals on Earth. They are served somewhat reluctantly, depending upon the length of the flight, by a surly group of middle-aged women whose attitude conveys that they would rather be elsewhere.

As one who has been a part of the transition from prop planes to jets and from business travel to pleasure travel, I now, if at all possible, avoid flying. The airport experience is too dehumanizing. The requirements of early arrivals at airports, additional fees for baggage, interminable security lines, partial disrobing, body searches and bag searches, all before gaining admittance to the inner sanctum of the airport, is just a prelude to the misadventure(s) that may lie ahead. Having obtained a ticket for a flight does not necessarily guarantee that a flight will take place or, if it does, that it will leave at the scheduled time. Advanced technology has not alleviated air travel problems; it has exacerbated them.

Having recently experienced all of the above listed inconveniences, imagine my surprise when I received through the mail a $150 electronic Transportation Credit “so that you may experience Delta’s service at its best.” It was not the $150.00 credit that astonished me, it was the reason for the credit as I’ll now describe.

In the month of May, 2009, I scheduled a flight to Edinburgh, Scotland for September, 2009. The flight was scheduled to leave Atlanta, Georgia at 3:30pm, arrive at JFK airport in New York at approximately 5:30pm, where I would then board a 7:00pm flight to Edinburgh, arriving at my destination at approximately 8:30am, where I would be met at the airport by friends. My friends and I had scheduled (and paid for) a round of golf at Kingsbarns Golf Club near St. Andrews for 3:30pm the afternoon of my arrival.

After arriving at the Atlanta airport the required two hours before the scheduled flight time and checking my baggage at two different locations (oversized bags cannot be checked in with regular baggage), I then submitted myself to the initiation process required to be admitted to the holy-of-holies. During the intervening time between my arrival and my scheduled departure, I checked the departing flight times regularly. At 2:00pm, my scheduled flight was posted as being delayed until 5:30pm. I went to the Delta Customer Service desk and explained that, due to my scheduled flight being delayed, I would not be able to make an international connection in New York. “How fast can you run?” the woman behind the desk asked me. “I have an Air France flight departing in 15 minutes for Paris. You can connect with a flight for Edinburgh and arrive at approximately the same time that you are presently scheduled to arrive.”

I grabbed the ticket, ran down the escalator and arrived in the subway just in time to see the doors on the underground transportation rail system close. Next train in three minutes read the sign. I was in concourse E and had to go the Concourse A. After catching the next train which, of course, stopped at Concourses D, C, B, before reaching A, I ran up the escalator only to find that the gate I wanted was the last gate in the Concourse. I took off at a hard run through the crowded terminal feeling like a fish must feel swimming against the current. After 100 yards, and in need of a defibrillator, a woman driving the electric cart used to transport the disabled picked me up to accelerate my trip to the gate. I leaped off of the cart just in time to see the attendant closing the boarding door.

“Wait,” I shouted. “That’s my flight.”

“I’m sorry. The gate is closed.”

“But, I was just sent over here to catch this flight.”

“Do you have a seat?”

“No. I was just assigned to this flight by Delta Customer Service.”

“I’m sorry. There are no seats on this flight.”

“But I was just sent over here.”

“I said, there are no seats,” was the curt reply as the agent left the area.

I now made the long trip back to Concourse E and Delta Customer Service. The woman with whom I had previously spoken was no longer there. I explained my predicament and what had just happened to another service representative. She made a quick check on her computer terminal and informed me that I would have to wait until the next day to leave.

“I’m sorry,” I responded. “That just will not do. I have things scheduled in Scotland. What about a flight to Amsterdam, then to Edinburgh?” This request was met with obvious exasperation (so much for customer service!).

The woman did, however, call a supervisor and was successful (much to her chagrin it seemed) in getting me on a flight to Amsterdam, leaving Atlanta at 6:30pm where I could connect with a KLM flight to Edinburgh, arriving only twenty minutes later than my original flight. I called my daughter and asked her to email my friends in Scotland that I would arrive on a different flight than the one they were to meet.

The departure time for Amsterdam was delayed an hour. When we finally boarded, I became aware of another inconvenience. On my original flight, I had reserved a window seat so that I could lean against the bulkhead for a light sleep during the night flight. I had now been assigned the middle seat in the five seat section in the middle of the plane. Oh well, at least I had a seat.

The plane pulled away from the gate, then stopped about 500 yards from the terminal. The captain announced that the plane was experiencing some audio problems but would not be long delayed. One hour later, the captain announced that we were returning to the gate so that a technician could board to repair the audio problem. At approximately 9:15pm, nearly three hours after our scheduled departure, the captain announced that, although the airplane had no mechanical problems, the breakdown in the audio system would mean that passengers could not watch a movie or play games during the flight. The passengers, me included, were incredulous. We were three hours late in leaving because we could not watch a movie? This delay meant for me, and others, that we would miss connecting flights in Amsterdam.

We arrived in Amsterdam at 11:00am the next morning. I went to the customer service desk to learn when I could continue to Edinburgh. I could get a flight at 3:30pm, four hours later. Because of the time change, I would also arrive in Edinburgh at 3:30pm. The KLM representative gave me a $10 voucher for food. I called my friends in Edinburgh to give them my new flight information. I would arrive eight hours later than originally scheduled, creating a considerable inconvenience to my friends, and forfeiting a tee time AND green fees at Kingsbarns. Thanks to KLM, I did, indeed, arrive in Edinburgh at 3:30pm.

I now return to my letter from Delta Airlines regarding this trip and the $150 electronic Transportation Credit.

“On behalf of Delta Air Lines, I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for the problems surrounding the In-Flight Entertainment system on board Flight 838 from Atlanta to Amsterdam. We share your disappointment that the entertainment system was inoperable. We know that this contributes greatly to the overall travel experience and adds to your enjoyment and comfort during our flights.” etc., etc. “Nonetheless, we would like to extend our $150 electronic Transportation Credit….”

I have since written to the General Manager, Customer Care, who signed this letter, suggesting to her that Delta’s priorities are misplaced. I did not receive a reply.

- Jim

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Twin Troubles

February 16, 2010

in Baby & Kid Stories

My husband and I were on a direct flight between Amsterdam and Los Angeles – the plane was packed. For the first time (and hopefully the last) we actually saw passengers sitting in the jump seats. The cat at their feet began crying and we thought “This is going to be a long flight.” Turns out these were the least of our problems.

A mother walks down the aisle toward us with her 3 year old twin sons. As there is just the empty row behind us I know they are going to be our neighbors. No sooner than she belts them in, the twins start opening and closing the trays over and over, banging them into the backs of our seats as hard as they could. Then the kicking starts, non-stop. Then one of the boys puts one hand on the back of my husband’s seat, the other on mine and jumps up so that his head is between ours and then he coughs, a wet, spittle-laden cough right in our faces. I turn to the mother and tell her to control her kids. She went ballistic. Screaming at me that I must hate children as this is how kids behave and since I don’t like kids I should only fly 1st class in the future and on and on.

Now the result of this screaming high-decibel harangue was that it upset her little darlings who then start to cry hysterically. She took one of them in her lap and soothingly said, “She’s a bad lady who hates you.” The kid in her lap became so undone he then puked all over her. She throws the kid in his middle seat, stands up in the aisle next to me and starts screaming at me, “Now are you happy? This is what you wanted to happen all along.” Yes lady, I most definitely want the smell of vomit behind me for 11 hours.

The FAs come running over all sympathetic to her and looking at me like I am the devil. They gave her an airline T-shirt to change into. And then she told them I had screamed at her kids, which I hadn’t – she was the screamer. The FAs defended her and told me that they didn’t witness the twins behaving any way but angelic.

For the rest of our flight our food was slammed onto our trays by the FAs, they ignored our requests for water and generally made us out to be at fault. And my husband has refused to fly KLM ever since.

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So, this was my first time flying alone internationally to India without anyone. I was excited to have that experience without my parents, especially since they ask tooo many questions such as the gate, the flight time, etc.

My experience started at Detroit with a very rude spokesperson for Northwest. I had no idea that they would starting boarding 30 minutes earlier than the ticket had said. I asked the guy at the Northwest checking desk if they had started to board since people were lining up and there was still an hour and forty five minutes for the plane to take off. Here’s the response I received: “Can’t you see people standing here??” Well, helloo, there was no announcement first of all and no flight number on the ticket. Was I suppose to predict that this flight was going internationally or just wait in line for 30 minutes to find out that it was?

Well, the story doesn’t end there…  my next stop was to Amsterdam. Like I said, my first time flying. On my next flight KLM had also started boarding. This was well before two and a half hours before the actual departure time! I thought I had prepared myself for the hour and 45 minute time before departure. I didn’t want to go through “please excuse me”or “let me pass by” or “oh sorry, I didn’t mean to slam in to you.” Boy was I wrong, because I had just thought of going to the restroom before that. By the time I came back, I see this long line of people had started to board… so I thought of waiting it out… WRONG IDEA !!! The line just kept getting longer and longer and longer… I had to wait an hour and a half before I could finally get to the security check point. I swear I thought this plane was going to go down since I had never seen so many people board a plane.

I just wished on international flights they would let the people on the back board first since you don’t have to push your way in all the way towards the back only to find out that you don’t have a space in the overhead bin to put your bag in, so you have to walk all the way to the front with your bags until the flight attendant finds a space to put it…

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Captain Chunk & The Kicker

May 27, 2009 Portly Stories

My girlfriend and I were recently on vacation in the Middle East. We had finally reached the end of our rigorous travel. Our first flight was from Aswan to Cairo at 11 pm, which was no big deal. We got our bags and had to push them in carts to the international terminal; mind you [...]

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