Couples
HUBBY DEARESTAbout six years ago, I traveled with the passenger from hell. The problem was, it was my husband.
We were going from New York to Sacramento, CA to visit my relatives. I should have known the trip was doomed when he forgot his insulin (hubby dearest was diabetic) and didn't remember until we were almost at the airport. The cabbie had to turn around so that we could retrieve it from home.
It got worse from there. I put my portable cassette player on, but barely got to listen to it - hubby dearest poked me in the ribs every four bars, wanting my undivided attention. Then he didn't like the diabetic meal that he had insisted that I order for him. Then it was the brand of soft drink served. And then the in-flight entertainment. Finally I threatened to stuff him in the overhead compartment if he didn't knock it off. And then the flight attendant offered to help.
I left hubby dearest six weeks after we returned. Now I fly solo. 11/07
UNHAPPILY MARRIED COUPLE
New York to Houston. I am sitting next to a married couple, Texans on their way home. He asks her when she got the earrings she is wearing. She proceeds to confess her affair and accuses him of neglecting her and their marriage, etc. She says that she isn't soliciting his opinion and that she doesn't care what he thinks about it. He reminds her of the pre-nup. She says that if he wants it that way, she'll call the IRS. He keeps asking who it is, if he knows him. He says that it is his own fault for marrying trash. She ignores him, calls the stewardess and asks for a different seat. The guy takes out a flask and drinks it and then later orders more drinks. I have always wondered whether they worked it out. 11/07
THE "VIRTUAL MARRIAGE"
In 2004 I was on a flight from Houston to Phoenix returning from a business trip. I found myself in an aisle seat near the back of the aircraft sitting next to a nervous man who had never flown before. I assured him since the weather was good and we were on a "first-world" airline everything would be fine. Sit back, relax, enjoy the flight. My words fell on deaf ears. As soon as we took off the man stood up and tried to climb over me so he could get the pilot to turn the plane around. I gently pushed him back into his seat, got up and RAN to the back of the plane to the flight attendants. Mind you, we're still in steep take-off mode. The flight attendants saw the look of near panic on my face and followed me back to my seat. My nervous seat-mate was now shaking wildly and in tears, fearful of the plane crashing. Two doctors on board were able to calm him down with soothing words and a mild over-the-counter sedative. I held his hand for the rest of the flight. Anyway, turns out this guy was up to no good and his fear of flying was compounded by guilt. He told me he had met a woman on the internet and he was going to meet her in Phoenix. He and she had a "virtual marriage" performed online and were going to consummate the deal once he arrived. His real wife and three kids back in Houston had no idea he had flown the coop for this woman. He told me that the "virtual wife" was a prominent lawyer in Phoenix who had paid for his ticket. Once we landed, I walked with him to baggage claim where the "lawyer" met him with open arms. If she was a lawyer then I'm the Pope. This woman had never seen the inside of a law book. She had all the markings of someone in the adult entertainment industry. Big hair, super-buxom with clothes that barely covered anything. The only thing missing was the pole. I did a triple eye-roll, picked up my bags and went home. The man had my email address but I never heard from him. 10/07
LIP-LOCKED TOUSLED-HAIRED TWENTY-SOMETHINGS
My husband I had just arrived at the Seattle airport after our honeymoon Alaskan cruise. The flight back to Minneapolis was supposed to depart at 11 pm, but much to my disgust the flight was delayed due to bad weather. So there we sat exhausted, in much need of sleep, with no options of catching the much needed z's other than laying on the dirtiest floor I have ever seen, waiting for this bad weather to pass. Finally at about 1:45 am, we are informed the plane will begin boarding in the next thirty minutes. By this time I am just happy I will finally get to lie back and hopefully get some sleep. At about 2:30 we board the plane. I look around us and much to my surprise we are the only two in our aisle. An extra seat to stretch out into - how great. Across from us was another couple; probably in their mid to late twenties. There were no children in sight. Then the safety briefing begins, and the couple across from us are talking loudly. One of the flight attendants walks over and asks them to quiet down. The captain announces all seats need to be upright and tray tables up and locked. Again the couple I thought would be perfect aisle mates causes a fuss; they have the seats reclined. Two flight attendants have to ask them to put them upright before it is done. Finally we take off and I hope the problems are over. I close my eyes and then I hear this gross sucking sound. I look over to the couple and find the woman on her partner's lap engaged in a full on make out session. I sit hoping the flight attendants will say something. No one does, and the making out escalates into heavy petting and more kissing. I couldn't believe no one said anything. I finally couldn't take it anymore. I turned the volume up on my headphones and shut my eyes until it was time to land. I put my seat upright and glance over to find two tousled hair twenty-somethings red faced and with fresh hickeys. Next time take care of business before getting on the plane. Nobody wants to see what should be done behind closed doors. 10/07
PILLS AND THRILLS
On a Virgin Atlantic flight from London Gatwick to Las Vegas, I was seated next to a couple who were flying to Vegas to get married. The first hour of the nine hour flight was relatively pleasant. I was telling them about things not to miss in Vegas and they were telling me their courtship story. But they kept knocking back drinks and then started taking pain pills. Not only were they taking these pills themselves, they started trying to get me to take them also! And wouldn't take no for an answer. I was having pills pushed on me and drinks sloshed all over me. The stewardess finally cut them off from alcohol and the woman started wailing and they led her away. The flight attendant asked me if I was okay and I said no. He asked if I would like to be moved and I said 'please.' But it was a full flight and they moved me to the only available seat, directly across the aisle from this couple. When the woman came back, she somehow got the idea that I had 'told on them' and that was the reason they got cut off from drinking. She came over and leaned down by my seat and asked me about it. I told her no, and explained to her the reason I had moved was because my seat was wet from the spilled drinks. She went back to her seat but spent the rest of the flight glaring at me and cursing me loudly. When that plane came to a halt I ran for the front door. And this is the abbreviated version! 10/07
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